At the Crossroad

Not really, or is it?. Sometimes I do not know what to think, how to think. At the moment, I will not commit to anything. Whatever suggestions he make pertaining to my working for him, part time or full time, from home or from the ASSociation office, until September 2011 or to continue or whatever, I will just listen and keep my mouth shut!

Office mates = long time/term buddies = gossip buddies = people in the same boat = people who share almost the same experience = people who has seen first hand how I have been treated all these years are in the opinion that I should just leave. Full stop. No turning back. They even criticised my decision to agree to stay as the Honorary Treasurer of the ASSociation, saying "you ni baik sangat, he does not deserve your baik-ness". (For the record, I agreed to this because of the 15+ years of employment, I am grateful, never say that I am not!. That is the only reason I agreed to remain as the HT until the end of this term, because if I were to leave, havoc! He knows that.)

Group of Friends (1) = killerladies = 40 something lunch buddies - mixed opinion. Some say, give him a second chance. Min says, don't fall into the trap, again.

Group of Friends (2) = people I know from previous employment advice me to think properly, what is good for me, put him and his company out of the equation. For once just think of Maknjang.

Family = people I would die for and hope that they would die for me too - I do not know.. nobody gives any opinion as I did not ask. Normally with them I would just tell them what I want to do, maybe because they know, whatever they say, in the end I would just do what ever I want to do. But one thing for sure, after I deliberated to abah the real reason of leaving, he agreed that I should leave. I have not told them about his plan for me to work part time from home, yet. Mak as usual is happy and will be happy with whatever I want to do and I know she is happy that I am moving back home.

Here is the situation right now. I have formally tendered my resignation (again, the first letter which he rejected is missing). I know this time he will accept it and we have discussed about how I will handover my work to the respective staffs. It was more like me telling him my plans of what I will do before I leave.

And then he will tell me his plans for me (I was like ... why?... I am leaving, can't you see?). Here is his plan.
1. I will continue to work for him, but from home, i.e. AS.
2. I will come down to KL, to the ASSociation's office, twice a month (staying 2 to 3 days each time).
3. I can claim traveling expenses and lodging (which later he said, maybe its cheaper for you to rent a house, why not rent a place, he said?.. errr.. I am just ending my tenancy, now you want me to continue renting pulak?)
4. He will pay me an allowance - which he has not mention how much; which I do not ask because I do not want to suggest that this is all about money. Because it is not.

I need money, I am not denying that. But my decision is not based on money. If it is, I will not resign, will I?, at least not until I am assured of when my next pay will come from. Even if I agree to his plan, it will not depend on how much he will pay me. It will be because I want to do it.

I do not know what to think. Like I said before, 15 years of working for someone, it would be lying to say that you will not develop any kind of feelings. He is someone I used lo look up to. I used to admire his wisdom, his hunger for knowledge, his generosity, his kindness ( why am I feeling so sad typing all this, is it out of disappointment?), his piousness. The good guy, the self made millionaire who kept humble. Basically I used to worship the ground he walked on. But he started to change. I wish I am imagining this. Sometime I do not recognise this person anymore. Where did that person who called me at 6:45am asking me to come for an interview and on the same day offered me a job with his "small" company. The man who introduced himself as a nobody who is struggling to make it in this world. Once in a while I saw a glimpse of that person in him but it will disappear the minute he started to talk. Arrogance?

Back to my feelings. Kesian, yes. There is no question about me staying. I am leaving. I have to, because I can't stay. No matter how kesian I feel, I just can't stay. To stay means going against my principles. Definitely cannot stay. Now, how about this working from home business. I know that if I disagree to this, there is no one at all at the moment who can take over managing the cashflow for the four main companies. I have been handling this since 1994, no one else. I can teach someone else to take over, but who? It does not seem like he is willing to trust anybody else right now except maybe Mami. But bukan nak kata Mami tak pandai, but because Mami has never done this, Mami pon tak confident. Another issue is that, there is no one in the company who is qualified to be appointed as the company secretary. He tried to employ someone qualified but at the eleventh hour, that girl rejected the offer. Who wouldn't. Strategy sudah salah, bah!. Who would join a company if you are being interviewed by a father-daughter team and was told not to deal with HR, just communicate with the daughter. Would you? Don't you find like there is a story here? Furthermore if you are still in employment and not that desperate to leave. Would you consider leaving to join a company such as this? Out of the frying pan, into the fire, ain't it?

At the moment, I am just taking it one day at a time. I will just do whatever I have to do to tie up loose ends. Teach whatever people want to learn from me. Come end of June, I will go back to AS for a while and come back to KL for the tennis tournaments and audit of the ASSociation's accounts. As for the audit of the company, I will only help if my help is needed. Otherwise, after the tournament is over, I will concentrate on that project I have in mind. Two projects actually.

Pray for me, please.