Two Sides to Every Story

Ours included. You believe yours and I, mine. Of course you never knew my side of it and knowing me, you never will.

Here's my story and here is the real reason why I did what I did and why I am still leaving. I am utterly at peace with my decision because I know it is the RIGHT thing to do. The only thing to do. Lies, they will haunt you. You even said that to me.

More than 15 years ago you took me under your employ and I am forever grateful. Never say that I am not. Never. I learned plenty, experienced a great deal and matured as a person and as a worker. I am forever in your debt for this. Forever. Never again say that I am not grateful. Never. We have been through a lot together. The whole lot of us.

You are never an easy boss to deal with. Maybe, so am I, as a worker, I mean. Everybody has their own idiosyncrasies, you keep reminding me. There were "incidents", there were "episodes" the ups and the downs, the hot and the cold in our boss/kuli relationship. You know what they are. There was even a time when you were cold to me, freezing cold for a very long period. But I persevere. After all you are the boss and I am a mere employee. To me, its always, its okay, he has a lot on his mind. Its okay, he will come around in the end and all will be well again. He always does. Sometimes I even told myself that I deserved to be treated this way. I am always at fault, even when its not, I convinced myself that I am.

I never asked to be treated in any other way other than as another human being. I never expected to be treated as your peer, for I never will be. But I think, if you have served someone for more than 15 years, you deserved to be treated a little better, with a little respect. Not much, just a little. But not around here. You created a caste system where the help are always the help, to be bullied if needs be. The lower and the upper caste they will never mixed. Ever! But still, I do not mind all these. I persevere. After all the paycheques await at the end of every month, I forgot that rezeki belongs to Allah swt and HIM alone, you are not the one who decide my rezeki. AstaghfiruLlah hal 'ziiim. The truth is, I do mind to be treated like a slave, I work for you, its your company. Never mind that in a small way, we the workers also helped built it to where it is now. I do not mind at all, bully me, torture me, belittled me, make fun of me all you want. Of course it hurts but never mind.

I was sad after I came back from Hajj. Syahdu, full stop. After spending a long time in the two holy cities and have to come back to this life, everybody who just came back from Hajj would understand this sadness. I did not get a chance to fully recuperate and started work two days after my return. I only get to spend one and half days with my family before I have to return to KL.

I felt funny the first day I was in the office. People looked at me funny, some were even scared to look at me. The staffs were too careful when they talked to me. I knew there's something here but none is telling. I thought this is just the syahduness in me that made me felt that way. Until I received your sms on the 3rd day I was in the office. You are reorganising the whole company. And most of what I was doing before I left for Hajj are now taken away from me and you wanted me to concentrate only on the two companies. After I got over the initial shocked and felt so stupid for calling all the HODs and asked them to fill me up, I felt relieved. This is my doa. In front of the Kaabah, I have asked Allah so many times to make my work here easier. My doas are answered, my work got so simplified that I only need to concentrate on doing accounts for two companies. No more managing the equestrian park. No more cheque signing. I need not have to approve anything. I just have to concentrate on the accounts of two companies. What more do I ask for? ALhamdulillah, syukur Ya ALlah.

Only those close to me and my staffs knew how much I put into work. How much time left for me. How much family time I had over the years. I worked during weekends because there are just too much to do. You always said that this is because I do not know how to organise my time. No its not that, there are just too many things to do. And as if the company work is not enough, there is also the association's work. I worked on most weekends, except on the weekends that I balik kampung or have dates with my nephews and niece. How do you think I felt when you can't even wait for me to come back, you already asked HR to deduct my salary for the extra days leave I have to take because of flight rescheduling by Tabung Haji?. After more than 15 years of giving almost my all, my extra 10 days leave were in question. I do not mind the salary deduction. If Allah has preordained that the money is not mine, then it would not be mine. But I was so so so hurt because you did not even have to think twice before asking HR to deduct my pay or wait for me to return and tell me. Did it ever occur to you to consider that during the 14 years I was with your company, there was no marriage leave?, there was no maternity leaves?. Did you know how many days of my annual leaves got forfeited over the 14 years because I just cannot finish them and cannot carry them over to the next year? Other than the long MC for my myomectomy, did you know how many days MC I took over the years? Did you know how many weekends I have to sacrifice to work. I guess all these did not matter to you, because as an employee I was expected to work hard. Too bad I am not married. Too bad that you have to make me the treasurer of the association because you have no one else. Too bad that the association work has to be done on weekends because on weekdays I have the company work.

I am okay with the reorganisation, even if you don't believe me. Like I said, this is what I asked from Allah for. I was okay even when you talked down on me in front of the people who used to be my staffs. But that does not mean it did not hurt. It hurts so bad. But I accepted my fate. You want to put your children at the forefront. This is YOUR company, they are YOUR children, who am I to argue with you. Whatever opinion I have on your children, I shall keep them to myself. They are your children and in your eyes, they can never do any wrong.

And then came the cold treatment. Owh, believe me, I am so used to this hot and cold thing. I have been here 15 years and more, have I not? This is nothing to me. I can endure this, if I want to. And then came the smses and the I can never do anything right. You told the staffs not to ask me for advice. Fine. You told the staffs that I always made wrong decisions. Fine. You turned the staffs against me. Fine. You may have succeeded to do this, turning staffs against me, if the staffs were more loyal you than to me. You said I am at war with you? How stupid would I be, if I were to do that. Why would I want to fight you when I knew I would lose. This is YOUR company. Do whatever pleases you, say whatever pleases you. I do not mind!

Then on 24 Feb 2010 at 7:17am, you decided to send me THAT sms. Your method of spying on me is by using your driver?. After more than 15 years, I am that untrustworthy that you need people to spy on my every moves? I cried a lot that day. And the day after that, and the day after that. A lot of people cried with me. My father included. The staffs included. I thank Allah for family and friends, for their support an their love.

That sms makes me think long and hard. In front of the Kaabah I have asked Allah to show me the right path. The path to HIS redho. That is all I want, keredhoaan Allah swt. That sms made me think, are all these (things that are happening to me after I return from Hajj) signs from Allah swt. Signs for me to leave your employ. I have in front of the Kaabah, asked Allah's forgiveness for all the THINGS that I have to do. You know what they are. I asked Allah for rezeki yang halal. I kept thinking whether these are signs. And then I stopped thinking. It just hit me. Boom!!!! Yes, that is what I need to do. I need to leave you. I have always felt so unwelcome anyway. I am already like a pain that everybody has to put up with. Leaving now is the best for everybody.

Saya tidak mahu mendapat redho Datuk dengan memperolehi kemurkaan Allah swt.

But I am such a coward. I am always afraid of you. I am confrontational, but never with you. So that's why I did it the way I did it. I never meant to just pack and go and leave things unfinished. But I was too scared that if I did not do it that way, you will just kicked me out, anyway.

The truth is, I would have put up with the hot and cold for another 15 years, maybe more. I would have continue to work as hard or even harder, although in your eyes, I never contributed much. The truth is, even when I felt so unwelcome around here, I would have stayed on because I know, not many people can do what I did and not many can work for you. I owe you that much. The truth is, I did not lie when I said I am leaving because of THAT sms. The truth is THAT sms has opened up my eyes to see the truth. I cannot stay because I do not want to have to to the THINGS that you will ask me to do. Yes, I do have principles. Like you said, its wrong and there are no ways to make wrongs, rights. You believe that, that is the only way, you have no choice. But I don't believe that. I can't tell you that. You even said that you have to do this especially after I have cost you RM3million. I wish I can tell you how the RM3million was decided. People remembers and forgets things at their convenience. Rezeki itu di tangan Allah swt. That RM3million was never meant to be yours, did that ever crossed your mind? I never said I was not wrong. Yes, I was to be blamed but not entirely. If you did not sign the documents, it will not happen. Did it ever occur to you that the RM3million that you lost is the RM3million that you gained? You know what I meant. Yes, I was wrong. I am sorry. I wish I could pay you back.

Manusia yang hebat adalah manusia yang tidak bergantung selain dari Allah swt.

In short, no matter how nice and sweet you are to me right now. I am still leaving. Because that is the only right thing to do. I still do not know what I will do for money after this but saya yakin dengan janji Allah. Rezeki itu ditangan Allah, bukan ditangan manusia.

I will continue to doa for you, your family and your company's well being, like I always do, even when you are no longer my boss. You have to understand that I HAVE to go because I can't stay. I am sad and it hurts.