Farewell Old Friends

Its 11:30pm, we are waiting for 12 midnight to check the tariff meter reading with the auditors for the FYE 2010. I am standing in the control room looking at the engines downstairs. No. 1 is torn apart for major repairs, it has been down since August last year, No 2 is running, albeit coughing every now and then, No 3 is down with one problem then another and No 4 is running not quite smoothly.

15 years ago when I first started working here, they were not even here yet. And here I am 15 years later, staring at the old, overworked generators and I just cannot hold my tears anymore. I can hear the tiredness in them. We are so similar; overworked and unappreciated.

I am leaving soon and I will not return, insyaAllah. Goodbye old friends, I wish all of you well.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Tuesday is here again. How time flies. Tomorrow will be 13 years since Tok left us. I miss her so much. Tok would be very happy to know that Azwan and I had performed our hajj and would share my woes and would say all the right words and would tell me exactly what I should do. Tok, I need you more now than ever!

The one thought that never leaves me these days are, what should I do after I left this company. My financial projection shows that, bearing no unforeseen circumstances (I am an accountant, baby!) , my money will last until the end of the year. What's next! I have a lot of plans, getting another 9-5 job is one thing but who would hire a 45 year old woman?

And then I was thinking of starting a part time maid business, after all, I already have 3 customers, yes, Roha, you are one of them.

But there is one thing I feel is my calling. Teaching! I know, I know... no one starts teaching at 45. But I am not thinking of being a school marm, what I have in mind is teaching others what I know, what I have learned and my experiences.

Although I am ready to teach Tajwid and Quran recital, I will leave that to Mak and Abah for now. I am not shy to say that I am good at excel and all the microsoft office applications. Excel, though, I am simply above the average, way up there. Seriously, I am. I have not met anyone who can match my excel skill except those who are doing financial consulting, i.e. project financial model and such who uses Excel and spreadsheet 24/7. I noticed that all new graduates lack excel skills. Excel skill is very important in work life especially if you wish to pursue accounting or finance. No one in this office can do what I can. Pakmat is almost there, but not quite there yet. He can continue using the spreadsheet I prepared and can master all the formula and links but he can never start a new file the way I do mine. As for the rest in this office, its either too difficult for them to decipher or they are just too lazy to learn. Maybe they think that I will be around forever?

Back to my excel knowledge, this is what I have in mind. Starting an excel workshops. My target are university students in their final year, as preparation for them to embark into working life. I can also throw in some english lesson? and perhaps interview tips, what employers are looking for kinda tips? I have a few friends who lectures in finance and accounting in the north, perhaps I can discuss my idea with them? If you are reading this Zu and Zlaa, yes, you are both on my mind. Zu especially and also Faizah, as I plan to balik kampung and stay there. I already have the module in mind. I have been teaching excel for more than 10 years now, although not formally but I do teach now and again to my staffs. I plan to do this because I feel so sayang and what a waste of ilmu pengetahuan if I dont teach them to others. I don't intend to make money out of this, just enough to cover my duit minyak because my main intention is not to make money. Like I said, what a waste if I don't teach what I know. So there.... how?

I have a strong feeling that this is my calling, you know that feeling is your stomach. I just need to study this carefully, come up with a sensible module and think of how to start. I can always start small from my house or rent one of the shoplots in front of my house. I heard that they are opening a Tahfiz School there and maybe they will consider taking me as a student in return of some volunteer work, say teach tajwid?

OOOohhhhHHHH, I can't wait. I am getting super excited now! Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah.......

p/s I am still yet to learn how to mandi mayat.

Tok, adik nak ikut Tok macamana Mak ikut Tok, ajar mengaji dan mandi mayat dan besarlah harapan kalau adik boleh buat macamana Tok dan Mak buat, penuh sabar, tawaduk tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan.

The after effect of eating too much

and laughing too much...

• finding it difficult to focus and stay alert, coming back from lunch just now, I drove towards home rather than to the office, had to make a U turn and paid RM1.60 toll twice! haih!
• head is aching from laughing too much I think (don't think all the lemak berkrim food had anything to do with this, no..... ha ha ha! )
• yawning non stop since I reached the office 3 hours ago

Had lunch with the gals at delicious, One Utama just now. 7 of us could make it this time, that's a good number.

Had a great time as always and looking forward to the next lunch date.

Thank you gals!

Sendal Pintu

Ditujukan khas kepada kawan-kawan yang mengerti....

Kayu, plastik ataupon batu

Kertas, kadbod kadang-kadang buku
Dilipat disumbat jikalau perlu
Boleh menjadi sendal pintu

Tidak perlu belajar, tidak perlu berguru
Sungguh! tidak perlu berilmu
Biar biadap, biar dungu
Jika sekadar SENDAL PINTU

What did I do today, Dawud Wharnsby Ali

I posted this in the old blog, a very good reminder, so better have it here as well.


Oh the moon has come
The day is done
The night has covered up the sun.
I have stood so often before you to pray
But I wonder Allah, tell me, what did I do today?
Did I remember the words of Al-Fatiha?
Did I take time to thank you for all that I have?
Did I call on you to guide my way?
Tell me, what did I do today?

I has whispered to you
As I made ruku
Subhana Rabiy'yal adheem.
But was my faith
Bright or grey?
Oh Allah, tell me, what did I do today?
Did I smile at my brother?
Was I kind to my mother?
Did I teach another something that I know
Or did my love of this world lead me astray?
Tell me, what did I do today?

Sami Allah hu liman hamida
Rabanna lakal hamd.
Sami Allah hu liman hamida
Rabanna lakal hamd.
La illaha il Allah.
La illaha il Allah.

Though I've bowed to you
with my face in the dust,
subhana raby'yal a'la
Did I turn to you
And did I obey?
Oh Allah, tell me, what did I do today?
Did I use my time?
Did I use my mind?
If I search my heart what will I find?
The light of your guidance is a glimmering ray,
Tell me, what did I do today?
Oh Allah, tell me, what did I do today?

It's Tuesday again

The office on the other side of the city is experiencing power failure. Guess who is so glad that its no longer her problems?

I am at the tennis office, appreciating the air-conditioning to the max. Never take electricity and the luxury that comes with it for granted ever again!

The traffic was bad, took me more than an hour to get here, normally its just a 30 minutes drive.

I found the office opened, its cold in here as if the conditioner has been switched on for a while. Somebody must have been here early, very early... hmmm... this needs further investigation.

Favourite random quotes this week:-

"Yesterday was another country, you cannot go there anymore, the borders are closed".. Midsomer Murders on Hallmark

"Least said, soonest mended"... The Country Practice by ?... who ya? this was my previous toilet reading.. ha ha ha , now I am reading Cat O' Nine Tales by Jeffrey Archer for the don't know how many time already.

"Maknjang, those seats are for you" Abang Ayis while pointing to the seats underneath the signage on the LRT that says "Reserved for Senior Citizens, Handicapped, Pregnant Women...."

"Oh my God, seriously, are you sure you are 44 aaaa, I thought you are in early 30s or at most 35" Coach Rajoo to moi!!!!!! Yes, being the person who signs the paycheque does have something to do with the statement but who cares!

"abada abada aba dadadada abadabada adabada adada" Sophie when she is happy

"Tetek!" Sophie again.. for you know what.

"Finally ...Cik xxx, you understand" aaah.. I like this so much but I can't reveal who said it and what it meant.

"Please, this is urgent".. when I missed the first call, this is what he started with on the one I answered.. he he he...

Okay, work now... oh wait! brekky first!

Rambles of the Home Alone

It’s now 10:55am and as usual when I am alone at my place in SD, no breakfast yet because there’s no food nor drinks in the house, not spoken to anyone, not taken a shower yet, very hungry and still figuring out what to eat, where to go but laziness will rule out everything.

I am just too lazy to do anything; hunger is at its peak. I am doing this to keep my mind away from food. I dare not even watch the food channel! The last meal I had was McD Fried Chicken, large coke and large fries at 2:30pm yesterday!

My mind works overtime at times. I tried to sleep off this hunger but every time I closed my eyes, my mind went everywhere and slumber was furthest. Work, family and in the end money. Money… and the lacks of it. My Mak always said, no matter how much money you have, it will never be enough and the little money that you have, it’ll always be enough. I admire my mother for this and I wish I can have her wisdom and share her outlook on life. My selfless mother, who always put others first and herself last. My mother, who would never complaint no matter how bad we treated her. My father once said, we have never been nice to Mak. We raised our voice at her and we took her for granted all the time. Abah was right. Abah included. Poor Mak, although I realize that I sometimes, aaah, make that most of the times! took Mak for granted, raised my voice at her and sometimes threw sarcasm at her, I always hope that she knew that I did not mean all the things I said and that I love her very much. Well, when was the last time I told Mak that I love her… probably never! Things have got to change Maknjang!

Four months down the road, insyaAllah I will be heading home and live with my parents while looking for new employment. These are all Allah’s work. I have planned to retire at 50 and return home to Mak and Abah. That would be more than 6 years away. Never have I thought it’ll be sooner. Maybe 6 years later is too late? I dread at the thought.

After I left home to go to MRSM in 1979, the longest period that I have stayed home was in 1994 when I left KPJ, jobless in July and stayed until November that year before I returned to KL. I was at home for four months. I cannot recall what I did to kill time or how I was feeling being home that long. But then, during that time, my younger brothers were still very young, so I must have spent a lot of time with them. I was younger too and less of a worrier.

This time though, I hope my homecoming will be permanent, will be different. I am a lot older (although none the wiser), am so are my parents. I am happy but at the same time nervous. I do not want my presence at home to be a burden to my parents, heck! I was hoping to be joy! But, can I behave? Be the ever obliging daughter? At 44, will there still be tantrums of a spoiled brat! What if I did not get another job and ran out of money? Will my parents then be able to support me? Will I then really be a burden? Will they be ashamed of me when I am all out of money? What about my siblings? Now that I can no longer provide for Mak and Abah, will they take over? I know, I know, I have not reach the bridge yet, let’s cross it then. I have to have absolute faith in Allah swt. Just doa, usaha and tawakal. But once in a while, the syaitan whispers in your ears especially when you are alone and start seeding all these doubts in your head.

Yesterday, I heard this Syair on the radio and tears started streaming. Isn’t this just the most wonderful Syair ever written? Try reading this without shedding a single drop of tear, if you can.

Nazam Ibu dan Ayah by Professor Lim Swee Tin

Ibu mengandung sembilan bulan,
lebih dan kurang tak ditentukan
lahirkan dikau berapa kesakitan,
berpantang pula minum dan makan
cukuplah masa sampai ketika,
lahirlah engkau ke dalam dunia
barulah suka ibu dan bapa,
kepada engkau sangat kasihnya
harap ibumu bukan sedikit
tinggilah harap darinya bukit
lama ibumu merasa sakit
sembilan bulan tidak berbangkit
Setelah kamu sudah lah ada
siang dan malam ibumu jaga
tidur pun tidak barang seketika
makan dan minum tidak berasa
berapa lah dian dengannya tanglong
diangkat dituang lalu dibedung
sudahlah jaga lalu didukung
kasih dan sayang tidak tertanggung
tidak tertentu siang dan malam
bangun memangku didalam gelap
terkejut jaga ditengah malam
tidur pun tidak lekat ditilam
rela ibumu menanggung hutang
kain dan baju tidak dipandang
basah diampai kering dipinggang
tidur pun galas tidak berenggang

kenang ayahmu anak bangsawan
barang katanya jangan dilawan
ibu bapamu hubungan tuhan
baru sempurna anak budiman
hai segala anak nya adam
kasihnya ibu tiada sempadan
kasihnya ayah rela berkorban
badan dan nyawa jadi taruhan




Sob! Sob! Sob!
Okay, shower now and then go eat!

Just to clarify the matter

The poor restless souls in the office were wondering.. is she leaving?, if she is, why does she acts as if she is not. If she is not, what actually happened? Will she still stay after all the dramas?

After the last post, it is clear that, YES! I am leaving, although its not easy to leave all of you behind! sob! sob! sob! seriously, we have been through a lot. We are all kindred spirits.

So why do I act as if I am not? I have to. Because, how shall I put this in words. Because 15 years do not mean nothing to me. 15 years people, just think about that. If a child, he/she would be seating for PMR this year. 15 years, and I shall say it again 15 years!!! So, what I am doing now is to put all affairs in such a manner that someone else can take over from me, without too much glitch. I figured, I owe that to him.

Its not easy to entangle yourself from this web, its complicated! My target is by 30 June 2010, I am out of here, for good. Can someone really takeover where someone else has left? Is there such a thing as becoming someone else? How big is the shoes I am leaving, or how small? Can someone else fit it there. I say yes! People, its not that difficult at all, all you need is A LOT OF PATIENCE, and I mean A LOT, a very high threshold of pain, a very low self esteem, a lot of sleepless nights, to say farewell to life and welcome WORK, work, work, work, the ability to second guess your bosses which sometimes you succeed but be ready to fail, the ability to read mind, a whole lot of other super powers, be willing to be pushed around, be blamed for almost everything, and of course you need to know a little bit of management, accounting, people skill, how to use the computer and a few other technical skills. Easy!

I shall end this post with this song and you'll know what I mean..



Smile

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons.
Music written by Charlie Chaplin, 1936

Penawar Penyakit Buasir

Diberitahu oleh Abahku, sekiranya sesorang itu menderita penyakit buasir, eloklah dia mengamalkan Solat Sunat Subuh dengan membaca Surah AshShahr (Alam Nash roh) pada rakaat pertama dan Surah Alfil pada rakaat kedua.

Ku letakkan disini untuk ingatan.

Wallahu'alam

Two Sides to Every Story

Ours included. You believe yours and I, mine. Of course you never knew my side of it and knowing me, you never will.

Here's my story and here is the real reason why I did what I did and why I am still leaving. I am utterly at peace with my decision because I know it is the RIGHT thing to do. The only thing to do. Lies, they will haunt you. You even said that to me.

More than 15 years ago you took me under your employ and I am forever grateful. Never say that I am not. Never. I learned plenty, experienced a great deal and matured as a person and as a worker. I am forever in your debt for this. Forever. Never again say that I am not grateful. Never. We have been through a lot together. The whole lot of us.

You are never an easy boss to deal with. Maybe, so am I, as a worker, I mean. Everybody has their own idiosyncrasies, you keep reminding me. There were "incidents", there were "episodes" the ups and the downs, the hot and the cold in our boss/kuli relationship. You know what they are. There was even a time when you were cold to me, freezing cold for a very long period. But I persevere. After all you are the boss and I am a mere employee. To me, its always, its okay, he has a lot on his mind. Its okay, he will come around in the end and all will be well again. He always does. Sometimes I even told myself that I deserved to be treated this way. I am always at fault, even when its not, I convinced myself that I am.

I never asked to be treated in any other way other than as another human being. I never expected to be treated as your peer, for I never will be. But I think, if you have served someone for more than 15 years, you deserved to be treated a little better, with a little respect. Not much, just a little. But not around here. You created a caste system where the help are always the help, to be bullied if needs be. The lower and the upper caste they will never mixed. Ever! But still, I do not mind all these. I persevere. After all the paycheques await at the end of every month, I forgot that rezeki belongs to Allah swt and HIM alone, you are not the one who decide my rezeki. AstaghfiruLlah hal 'ziiim. The truth is, I do mind to be treated like a slave, I work for you, its your company. Never mind that in a small way, we the workers also helped built it to where it is now. I do not mind at all, bully me, torture me, belittled me, make fun of me all you want. Of course it hurts but never mind.

I was sad after I came back from Hajj. Syahdu, full stop. After spending a long time in the two holy cities and have to come back to this life, everybody who just came back from Hajj would understand this sadness. I did not get a chance to fully recuperate and started work two days after my return. I only get to spend one and half days with my family before I have to return to KL.

I felt funny the first day I was in the office. People looked at me funny, some were even scared to look at me. The staffs were too careful when they talked to me. I knew there's something here but none is telling. I thought this is just the syahduness in me that made me felt that way. Until I received your sms on the 3rd day I was in the office. You are reorganising the whole company. And most of what I was doing before I left for Hajj are now taken away from me and you wanted me to concentrate only on the two companies. After I got over the initial shocked and felt so stupid for calling all the HODs and asked them to fill me up, I felt relieved. This is my doa. In front of the Kaabah, I have asked Allah so many times to make my work here easier. My doas are answered, my work got so simplified that I only need to concentrate on doing accounts for two companies. No more managing the equestrian park. No more cheque signing. I need not have to approve anything. I just have to concentrate on the accounts of two companies. What more do I ask for? ALhamdulillah, syukur Ya ALlah.

Only those close to me and my staffs knew how much I put into work. How much time left for me. How much family time I had over the years. I worked during weekends because there are just too much to do. You always said that this is because I do not know how to organise my time. No its not that, there are just too many things to do. And as if the company work is not enough, there is also the association's work. I worked on most weekends, except on the weekends that I balik kampung or have dates with my nephews and niece. How do you think I felt when you can't even wait for me to come back, you already asked HR to deduct my salary for the extra days leave I have to take because of flight rescheduling by Tabung Haji?. After more than 15 years of giving almost my all, my extra 10 days leave were in question. I do not mind the salary deduction. If Allah has preordained that the money is not mine, then it would not be mine. But I was so so so hurt because you did not even have to think twice before asking HR to deduct my pay or wait for me to return and tell me. Did it ever occur to you to consider that during the 14 years I was with your company, there was no marriage leave?, there was no maternity leaves?. Did you know how many days of my annual leaves got forfeited over the 14 years because I just cannot finish them and cannot carry them over to the next year? Other than the long MC for my myomectomy, did you know how many days MC I took over the years? Did you know how many weekends I have to sacrifice to work. I guess all these did not matter to you, because as an employee I was expected to work hard. Too bad I am not married. Too bad that you have to make me the treasurer of the association because you have no one else. Too bad that the association work has to be done on weekends because on weekdays I have the company work.

I am okay with the reorganisation, even if you don't believe me. Like I said, this is what I asked from Allah for. I was okay even when you talked down on me in front of the people who used to be my staffs. But that does not mean it did not hurt. It hurts so bad. But I accepted my fate. You want to put your children at the forefront. This is YOUR company, they are YOUR children, who am I to argue with you. Whatever opinion I have on your children, I shall keep them to myself. They are your children and in your eyes, they can never do any wrong.

And then came the cold treatment. Owh, believe me, I am so used to this hot and cold thing. I have been here 15 years and more, have I not? This is nothing to me. I can endure this, if I want to. And then came the smses and the I can never do anything right. You told the staffs not to ask me for advice. Fine. You told the staffs that I always made wrong decisions. Fine. You turned the staffs against me. Fine. You may have succeeded to do this, turning staffs against me, if the staffs were more loyal you than to me. You said I am at war with you? How stupid would I be, if I were to do that. Why would I want to fight you when I knew I would lose. This is YOUR company. Do whatever pleases you, say whatever pleases you. I do not mind!

Then on 24 Feb 2010 at 7:17am, you decided to send me THAT sms. Your method of spying on me is by using your driver?. After more than 15 years, I am that untrustworthy that you need people to spy on my every moves? I cried a lot that day. And the day after that, and the day after that. A lot of people cried with me. My father included. The staffs included. I thank Allah for family and friends, for their support an their love.

That sms makes me think long and hard. In front of the Kaabah I have asked Allah to show me the right path. The path to HIS redho. That is all I want, keredhoaan Allah swt. That sms made me think, are all these (things that are happening to me after I return from Hajj) signs from Allah swt. Signs for me to leave your employ. I have in front of the Kaabah, asked Allah's forgiveness for all the THINGS that I have to do. You know what they are. I asked Allah for rezeki yang halal. I kept thinking whether these are signs. And then I stopped thinking. It just hit me. Boom!!!! Yes, that is what I need to do. I need to leave you. I have always felt so unwelcome anyway. I am already like a pain that everybody has to put up with. Leaving now is the best for everybody.

Saya tidak mahu mendapat redho Datuk dengan memperolehi kemurkaan Allah swt.

But I am such a coward. I am always afraid of you. I am confrontational, but never with you. So that's why I did it the way I did it. I never meant to just pack and go and leave things unfinished. But I was too scared that if I did not do it that way, you will just kicked me out, anyway.

The truth is, I would have put up with the hot and cold for another 15 years, maybe more. I would have continue to work as hard or even harder, although in your eyes, I never contributed much. The truth is, even when I felt so unwelcome around here, I would have stayed on because I know, not many people can do what I did and not many can work for you. I owe you that much. The truth is, I did not lie when I said I am leaving because of THAT sms. The truth is THAT sms has opened up my eyes to see the truth. I cannot stay because I do not want to have to to the THINGS that you will ask me to do. Yes, I do have principles. Like you said, its wrong and there are no ways to make wrongs, rights. You believe that, that is the only way, you have no choice. But I don't believe that. I can't tell you that. You even said that you have to do this especially after I have cost you RM3million. I wish I can tell you how the RM3million was decided. People remembers and forgets things at their convenience. Rezeki itu di tangan Allah swt. That RM3million was never meant to be yours, did that ever crossed your mind? I never said I was not wrong. Yes, I was to be blamed but not entirely. If you did not sign the documents, it will not happen. Did it ever occur to you that the RM3million that you lost is the RM3million that you gained? You know what I meant. Yes, I was wrong. I am sorry. I wish I could pay you back.

Manusia yang hebat adalah manusia yang tidak bergantung selain dari Allah swt.

In short, no matter how nice and sweet you are to me right now. I am still leaving. Because that is the only right thing to do. I still do not know what I will do for money after this but saya yakin dengan janji Allah. Rezeki itu ditangan Allah, bukan ditangan manusia.

I will continue to doa for you, your family and your company's well being, like I always do, even when you are no longer my boss. You have to understand that I HAVE to go because I can't stay. I am sad and it hurts.

Ramblings on Tuesday

“My momma said, life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you gonna get” said Forest Gump.

You never know what lies ahead, so expect the worst and pray to Allah for the best.

When you bite into that piece of chocolate and you do not like it, you do have to swallow it, just spit it out and throw it away. But don’t throw away the whole box.

Philosophical much?

Yesterday was a day like any other day. Woke up, dressed up and off to work, went home, went to bed. Nothing significant happened.

Today however, although just started like any other day, there’s something in the stomach that feels like its going to be a great day! Yay!

Yikes! No internet! Double yikes!

Going to do that financial business model….

Will review the resume, it’s just too damn long.

Need to come up with a plan. What’s next? What happens after 30 June 2010? Immediately after, will turn 44, yikes!!!! I am old.

Have to finish that whole bottle of water.

Get to work!!!

Stretch that ringgit

Let's trim the excesses.

No more toys, except for birthdays.

No more tudungs, no more blouses, skirts, pants.. basically, do not need anymore clothing!, seriously...

Movies.... once a month?

Sweet Wood, Marche, Chillies, Sushi Zanmai, delicious, Secret Recipe and the likes... once a year, really?

McD, Pizza Hut and the likes?... once a month?

Let's go back to basic and lets see the ringgit streeeetttttttches....

In time of crisis

You find true friends, gems!

You find enemies you never thought you have.

You find caring siblings

Most of all you learn how deep parental loves are…. bottomless!!!

Sob sob sob…