So, how are you really?

A couple of days ago, I had an extra long lunch with a friend from way back when. The last time I met her was in Feb 2009 when she visited me in the hospital. Back when I had fibroids removed.

We seldom contacted each other, in fact I think from Feb 2009 to Jan 2013, we only made contact via sms at most 4 times!!

She had also left full time employment about a year ago. We shared a few things in common that way.

Then she asked me, so how are you really? To that, my answer was quite spontaneous. I said, I am very happy right now, Alhamdulillah. I could do better in the health department but otherwise, I am happy. I realised I no longer had to think of what to say when people ask me how am I, these days. The truth is at the moment I am the happiest as I have ever been. I cannot recollect being happier and more contented.

I realised I do not need much to feel this way. Long time ago, I thought you could only be happy and contented when you have all the things you wanted, dream job, huge income, big cars, big house, a husband and a couple or more children. You definitely have to have bank, that's what I thought. I cannot be more wrong. Look at me today, I live with my parents with meager income which I do not know whether it will stop coming the next month or the month after. I am driving the smallest and cheapest car ever! And yet I feel so free and so blessed... owh what a feeling! Thank you Allah!

The best part of it is that I now no longer yearn for things I cannot afford. I have very little needs and my wants are very few and very far in between and I am okay if I do not have them. Thank you Allah!.

May we all be in Allah's care forever and ever.


p/s, happy birthday to my bffs, Mazmin and Rohana. May our friendship never come apart.

46

That's the number of years I have lived on this planet. I believed that number is greater than the number of years I have left to live. I don't think I will live to see my 92nd birthday but Allah knows best.

As usual there is no celebration whatsoever but this year my birthday is kinda different. For one, the nephews in BJ remember my birthday and sang happy birthday to you at about 30 minutes past midnight, which no one has ever done for me before and I am so touched by it. The other, which to me is of great significance is that my nephew KH, gave me RM50 as a birthday gift (I guess he did not know what to buy so giving me money is the shortcut). Its not the money that moved me, but its what he said when he gave me the money. Maknjang, ni present dari Abang Ayis to show my appreciation of you.....  sebak, I tell you! Thank you very much my dear nephew for making my day, maybe even my year!

His brother also gave me money.... "Maknjang nah 50sen, I am broke you know, not like adik, adik tu kaya." Haih! he has to learn to manage his allowance better. His excuse for his failure to control his expenses is simple. "Allowance sikit sangat, macamana nak manage". Double haih!

Mak and Abah called to wish me happy birthday but Anna refused to talk to me when Mak passed the phone to her, all she can think of to say is "majang lagak!" he he he which means Maknjang berlagak. She wishes that I am back home, so whenever I am not, Maknjang ni berlagak la, sebab I did not take her along. Favourite sayings from Anna these days are "lagak!" "lekut!" for kedekut and "ana tamau kawan" and of course "ana nak ikut" despite earlier calling you names.. Anna is my 2 and half years old niece, by the way. She is my constant  (most of the time, my only) companion whenever I am back home.

Earlier in the morning I received another call. Dia tanya whether I am in KL or in Kedah and said that dia kat Langkawi. The best part of the conversation is that, instead of wishing me a happy birthday, dia reminded me that today is the 1st of July and therefore it is my birthday and went on to describe a person who are born with number 1, i.e. 1st or the 10th. I am supposed to be stubborn. Which I think I am not.... :)) . Every year its the same. Called me and told me its my birthday and never once wish me anything... funny or what? Maybe next year will be different, we shall wait and see.... maybe not! Tak kisahlah!


Officially my birthday is over. I am done thanking everybody who sent me smses and all the birthday wishes on facebook. I do hope and pray that as I grow older, my iman and taqwa will also increase. I pray that Allah blesses me with umur yang panjang didalam kebajikan dan iman, and when my time to leave this world comes, I will die in husnul khatimah.

To all my BFFs, you know who you are, thank you for the lunches, the gift, the tea and coffee etc etc. May our friendship stay strong forever and ever.

Happy 46th birthday Maknjang.

Happy Mothers Day

to all mothers, especially mine.

Love,
Maknjang.

Soul bearing

and I am blaming the entire content of what I am about to write on my BFF Mazmin. So there! And I am writing because I am bored too! Outside mak tengah mengajaq mengaji and breakfast will follow, so I am stuck in this room for a while. I am done playing bejeweled blitz, I am seeing stars already!. I can't play literati because yahoo is acting up. I know I should be finishing some income earning working paper, but I am not in the mood for that. So I am going to revive this sawang gathering blog with another post. 

Why am I blaming Min for this post? Because Min made me think of what I never plan to think about. An issue I have resolved a long time ago and never imagine I would give it another thought.

My mind right now is quite kelam kabut, and I am somewhat dukacita and feeling kinda vulnerable. Cheewah! Boleh ka, vulnerable like that. What with TP (you know who he is if you have read my other blog) turning out to be the way he is right now (I do not talk to him anymore and I can't even bear the mention of his name  aaahhhh, I could write a book just on this topic alone.. but let's not go there), and youngest brother getting married and parents suddenly aging rapidly, (I am not imagining this, they are and so are we, I guess); timbul kebimbangan of what the future holds. Macamana kalau mak and abah dah tak dak? (Yes, its always a kalau, walhal, ajal adalah kepastian.Yang tak pastinya adalah, who will go first). What would become of me. Bila tua, kalau sakit... macam-macam. You know the drift. I know that these are bisikan-bisikan syaitan, kenapa pula kita perlu risaukan benda yang kita tak tau kesudahannya, yang penting kita hanya perlu terus berdoa agar Allah sentiasa menjaga kita dan tidak menduga kita dengan ujian yang kita tidak mampu untuk memikulnya. Kita perlu berbaik sangka dengan Allah swt. Bila teringat balik macam ni, lega sat. Lepas solat, doa panjang sikit. Then syaitan bisik lagi, mula terasa semak perut semula.

To be honest, when Epit started the joke in whatsapp, I felt a little "tersinggung". Originally I typed "terhina" but maybe that is too strong a word to use. I still feel that way, although I know that she did not mean to "hina" (I need to find another word for this, oh my bahasa!)  or anything close to that. She is just Epit, being Epit... a little girl at 45 pretending to be an adult and we will remain friends no matter what. Why do I feel that way, you may ask. Unless you are a 46 year old, single, short fat and ugly perempuan like me, you will never understand, even if you try. Seriously. Therefore when the joke continued, I just went along with it, trying not to make any comment, fearing that it might be misconstrued to mean something else. Before I proceed any further, I would like to make it clear that, I am not angry at Epit. Sikit pon dak. Her concern over her mother's anxieties is genuine, we would be the same if we were in her shoes. She has her mother's best interest in her heart. SubhanaAllah.

How could Epit ask me to consider her so called "proposal", even if was a mere joke amongst friends when all the individuals involved were not in the picture. Like Ja said, it should have been initiated by the person involved, not by nosy sisters. This is where I felt tersinggung... Picture this, nosy sister ask single, short fat and ugly.. and unemployed friend if she would consider being her sister in law... because "kesian mak aku, dia sunyi". If the friend is agreeable, "aku nak suruh mak aku tanya abang aku". Hello? What is wrong with this picture?

Just imagine, if I were so pendek akal and be so agreeable or maybe even jumped at the opportunity;  (to be - how shall I put this mildly, how did she sell her brother to me...a "datin" , nak satu row shophouses pon boleh .. etc). and the brother sikit pon tak hingin .. its quite hard to get passed the short fat and ugly part tu tau ........, where does that put me??? Malukan, macam tergedik-gedik like that kan. Epit, Epit... sedih aku tau. You make me feel so macam apalah when you started that joke. Janganlah buat macam ni lagi kat sesiapa pon, especially orang-orang yang in the same boat as me. It makes us look .. tak tau lah nak cakap macam mana. Macam tak kisahlah any tom, dick or harry (not that I am saying that your brother is just any tom dick or harry, I know he is a somebody, I am just saying), tak kisahlah kalau sekadar untuk dijadikan teman buat mak, kan as long as dapat kawin, afterall dahla tua, macam tong dram la pulak, sapa lagi yang mau kan...

Kalaulah, and I meant it as kalau saja okay, don't get any ideas pulak, your brother has already informed your mom that he wants her to look for a wife for him, tak kisahlah as long as mak dia suka... cerita kita mungkin berbeda. Pengakhirannya mungkin sama, tapi jalan ceritanya akan berlainan dan saya tidak akan rasa tersinggung.

Actually kan Epit, if your mother is really lonely, why don't you just ask us, yang duduk di sini, to once in a while drop by your house and keep your mom company, I wouldn't mind doing that at all. Memang itulah pon antara activiti bersama my mom pon, ziarah menziarahi.

Tutup cerita itu, kita move on to why Min makes me think. Marriage has been the furthest thing on my mind. I have pushed away any thought of ever getting married when I turned 35 or so. I am at peace with myself while resigning to the fact that Allah has preordained that I will lead a single life in this life. Mungkin in another life ada bidadara menanti? BUT I also know that there are three things we cannot control, Ajal, Rezeki and Jodoh. Bukan kerja kita untuk memikirkan ketiga-tiga hal ni, ini hak Allah. Therefore, marriage... not something I plan to think about.

Tak tau why, lately asyik duk bear my soul, first to Ja, then to Min. Maybe sebab youngest brother is getting married. No, I am not sad that he is getting married, I am sad because things does not go according to MY plan. How I foresee the future is that, when mak and abah are no longer with us (owh no!!!!! I typed it!!!!!)... youngest brother and family will continue to live in 410 and so will I, as this is my house. I even planned to hibah this house to youngest brother. Now, youngest brother is marrying someone from another state, far far away from here and it looks like he is interested to move to the future wife's state. I will not stop him if that is what he wants to do. Its his life. Perasaan saya sedikit dukacita tetapi ini adalah ketentuan Yang Maha Esa. Kebelakangan ni pulak, bila saya tengok Abah dan Mak, dah nampak aging sangat. Sayu hati bila tengok mak solat sunat sambil duduk. Syahdu bila tengok wajah abah, bila abah tidur. Terasa akan kehilangan mereka suatu hari nanti, dan saya berdoa agar hari-hari tersebut tiba lambat lagi. Kadang-kadang rasa ingin berdoa agar saya yang pergi dahulu kerana saya tidak sanggup untuk hidup tanpa mereka dan sebatang kara. Saya tahu tidak baik untuk berdoa sedemikian. Bukankan ajal dan maut itu ketentuan Allah swt. Satu lagi is the titi gantung I built more than 17 years ago.. I so badly want to burnt it to the ground but I can't. I still need the "alimony" to sustain my life as I do not have any other source of income. I want to be free of any entanglement with the titi gantung, selagi duk dapat monthly payment, selagi tu I am not free.. and I hate it. Semua perkara-perkara ni duk berserabut dalam kepala otak, ditambah pulak dengan surat layang, poison email, ugutan dan investigation from you know what. Lagi bertambah bingung. Maybe that was the reason why saya sensitif sangat kot dengan lawak Epit tu.

So, Min kata, maybe marriage is the answer (it maybe not)... it might rungkaikan segala kerisauan (it might also add more keresahan). So what if, tetiba ada lah pulak genuine proposal. What if??. .... Will I?.. Ya Allah, duk pikiaq buat apa tak tau... org sungai baru kata lets just cross the bridge if we get there. Ini belum jumpa mana-mana bridge, dah sebuk nak cross... ni semua, Min lah punya pasai.

Resah,

Maknjang.

p/s Min, orang sungai baru kata... ukur baju di badan sendiri, jangan duk tempah baju lagi.

This is not how I foresee it.....

In less than 2 months, I will be 46.

In less than 20 days, my youngest brother will be getting married. 

As I have been away from home for nearly a month, I can only presumed that preparation for the wedding is buzzing at home. Yes, I was away that long. I asked myself whether I actually have to be away or pretended that I have things to do here just because I wanted to be as far away as possible, as long as possible. But, I am going home today. In fact I am typing this at Skypark Terminal, Subang. I shall be fire-flying home shortly.

Home will definitely not be the same after this. 

I am supposed to be happy. I will be getting a brand new sister-in-law for crying out loud. But I am not. I am not a happy person right now. And that is why I was away. The guilty feeling I felt deep in my stomach is the only reason I forced myself to take this trip home. Kesian mak duk kelola sorang-sorang. Mak is the only reason I am going home. I can’t go on pretending that I am needed here anymore.

It is difficult to explain my unhappiness. Only a person in the same situation would understand. Haih! I dread the days ahead. I dread the years ahead. O Allah, please forgive me. O Allah, please ease my discomfort. Amiin.

Sadly,

Maknjang.

Mohd Ismail Azman, Almarhum (16 October 1993 - 1 April 2011)

The last time I spoke to him was the morning the SPM result was out. He was all dressed up in school uniform at 8am and he stood outside my room. I asked him where he was going at he said in his usual loud voice "nak pi sekolah la, keputusan keluaq hari ni"... I joked that only potential scorers will be as eager as he was, it was too early to go to school, they were only going to release the result after 10am. He then asked what the date was that day and when I said 23rd March, he said "betoi la hari ni keluaq keputusan" and he left. Half and hour or so later he came back saying that they will only announced the result after 11am. As usual I said, I told you so. I offered him a ride to school but he refused, preferring to go with friends instead. I did not wait for him to return as Mak and I left for KL at 12 noon that day. That was the last time I saw Ismail alive.

When Mak returned from KL, Ismail had a fever but he was still working that day. He was delivering ice cubes for RM25 a day. Ismail was asleep when Mak saw that his leg had become inflamed. He was complaining that his leg hurts but we took no notice because he was still playing ping pong every night and working every day. He told me a few days before I left for KL that he felt like his bone is loose, his exact words were "Maknjang, Me'e rasa macam tulang Me'e dah kendoq" while pointing to his left leg. When he was in Form 2, he had a broken bone there due to an accident on the way to school, a girl riding a motorbike hit his bicycle. A couple of weeks before that day, he met with an accident at Kepala Batas, with the next door neighbour. The motorbike Ismail rode broke to pieces, the car the neighbour drow was badly dented. Ismail had minor scratches only because he fell on the car. Later he complaint of chest pain, so Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, after x-ray and all, they found nothing wrong. He never complaint about his left leg until that afternoon. It did not strike my brain to connect his complaint with the accidents he had had.

When Mak saw his leg, Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, he was warded. He had a slight fever. His half sister was on duty at the hospital that day, Mak and Azwan left. He is a big boy and he only had a slight fever and the doctor said, they were going to open up the area and cleaned it up. Nothing to worry about. That was on Tuesday night. On Wednesday, his temperature risen, the procedure was postponed. Nobody visited Ismail because he had a handphone with him, if anything was wrong, he can always call home. Thursday morning, his temperature soared to 47 degreee and that's when everybody took notice. His mother went to visit and he complaint that he was in pain. His whole body was painful, he said. The whole family, almost everyone who always hang around our bangsal ping pong and neighbours went to visit him that day and stayed on. Later that day, when he cannot stand the heat anymore, he went to take a shower. He collapsed upon reaching his bed and was moved to another ward. His heart stopped beating at about 12 midnight. They resuscitated him and moved him to the ICU. I went home on Friday morning.

I went to the hospital after making my rounds picking Njang, Kak Ta and my nephew and nieces. I knew when I saw him lying helpless on the ICU bed that we have lost him. The fact that they allowed anyone to visit him in without limiting the number of visitors was already a sign. I was asked later to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him again when his heart stopped. They never said IF, they straight away say WHEN and then you know for certain. After consulting my parents and my siblings, we decided DNR. It broke my heart to have to be the one telling the doctor of our decision.

The bacteria from his untreated wound had poisoned his blood causing organ failures. Despite injecting him with numerous antibiotics and what nots, the bacteria has spread beyond help. The cause of death was septicemia.

Until today we still cannot believed what had happened. Everyday we mentioned his name. Every little thing we do will have something to remind us of him. Having meals, if Ismail is around, no food will be wasted. While driving, if Ismail is in the car, I have to check the tyres.. he is very heavy, you see. When my head itched.. Ismail will always cabut my uban. Sometimes I felt like he is just sleeping in the middle room. Sometimes when I heard a motorbike approaching, I'd imagined its him, returning from work... Oh Ismail, our bangla, our al-karu.. we missed you so much. ...

Banjir 1 Nov - 5 Nov 2010; pengalaman yang menginsafkan

Hujan mula turun pada petang Sabtu 30 October dan berlarutan sehingga pagi Isnin 1 November. Air sungai naik sedikit demi sedikit sehingga hampir ke gigi jalan pada petang Ahad 31 Oktober tetapi kami masih mengharap apabila hujan berhenti, air akan surut ke sungai semula. Khabar kononnya Sang Raja akan murka jika banjir kembali melanda kawasan istana menyebabkan hati merasa lega. Tak mungkin banjir akan melanda. 2005 adalah yang terakhir kalinya. Ternyata khabar murka Sang Raja hanyalah angin semata. Kuasa Allah swt tiada siapa dapat melawannya. Hendak murka pada siapa, siapa patut murka pada siapa? Kita atau Yang Maha Pencipta? Siapa yang Maha Berkuasa? Allah swt atau Sang Raja?

Tatkala dunia dikejutkan dengan pelbagai bencana, di Indonesia, Merapi mengamuk meluahkan lava, asap dan debu memenuhi udara ditambah pula tsunami melanda, gempa bumi menggegarkan suasana, puting beliung disini sana, kami hanya diancam banjir semata.

Air mula surut pada petang Jumaat 5 November dan surut sepenuhnya pada petang Sabtu 6 November. Abah, Mak, Azwan, Mat dan jiran tetangga mula membersihkan selut yang mencecah buku lali di dalam rumah. Maknjang tidak turut serta pada hari Sabtu untuk menjaga keluarga yang kurang upaya yang tinggal bersama di rumah sementara kami. Dan kalau Maknjang ikut sekali pun, rasanya bukan dapat nak tolong apa-apa sebab geli geleman dan pelbagai lagi perasaan.

Alhamdulillah sepanjang menantikan air surut, kami tinggal dalam keadaan yang amat selesa di Homestay Vistana milik adik ipar Maknjang di Jalan Langgar. Ketika mangsa-mangsa lain terpaksa tinggal disekolah-sekolah dan khemah-khemah yang serba kekurangan dan bekalan air paip yang ketandusan, kami tinggal selesa dirumah yang besar bertilam dan berbantal. Bekalan letrik dan air paip berterusan. Kami mungkin menumpang rahmat Abang Non yang cacat dan tak berupaya, kemana-mana pun perlukan perkhidmatan ambulan. Walaupun setiap hari asyik memikirkan rumah yang tenggelam, apabila melihat berita bencana yang lebih dasyat, hati menjadi tenteram. Sedikit amat dugaan kami ini Ya Tuhan berbanding dosa-dosa kami pada Mu.

Azwan akan balik ke Taman membuat tinjauan setiap hari sepanjang rumah ditenggelami air. Selama empat hari, kami mendengar berita yang sama, dari jauh, rumah hanya nampak bumbung sahaja. Berdebar-debar dada Maknjang memikirkan barang-barang yang ditinggalkan didalam bilik. Laptop, printer, dokumen-dokumen penting semuanya telah diangkat lebih 2 kaki dari paras air pada tahun 2005. Kerana kita sangka, tidak mungkin air akan mencecah lebih tinggi dari biasa. Kuasa Allah swt air naik luarbiasa. Semua perabot dan alat letrik telah diangkat ke dapur yang parasnya 4 kaki lebih tinggi dari tanah. Kami sangka itu sudah cukup untuk selamatkan semuanya. Allah swt duga kami dengan air semata, kami sudah merasa cukup gundah gulana. Apalah nasib perabot dan peralatan letrik disana. Baju-baju kami semua bagaimana. 5 hari berlalu barulah air berundur kesungai semula.

Hari Ahad, Maknjang ikut pulang ke Taman, hancur luluh hati rasanya melihatkan suasana. 2 batang pokok besar tumbang di jalan menuju ke rumah kami menghalang kami menggunakan jalan yang biasa. Bau busuk menusuk sukma. Sampah sarap merata-rata. Selut tebal menyeliputi segala benda. Semua perkakas didalam dapur berantakan, terbalik lintang pukang semuanya. Baunya... tak boleh Maknjang nak cerita. Air paip ketandusan pula, kerja mencuci menjadi tergendala. Yang mampu dibuat hanyalah mengutip barang-barang berharga dan apa saja yang rasanya seperti masih berguna.

Hari ni sudah 8 hari kerja pemulihan bermula, tapi masih banyak yang belum habis dicuci semula. Petiais dan barang-barang elektrik lain masih belum tahu samada masih berguna. Maknjang sekarang di KL kerana tugas, tapi hati berada disana. Kasihan Mak, Abah dan Azwan yang hari-hari berkerja keras mencuci segala. Alhamdulillah ramai yang datang menyumbang tenaga. Setiap hari disediakan makanan percuma oleh ahli tentera, walaupun ala kadar, tetapi bagi yang sudah kehilangan segala, ala kadar pun amat bermakna.

Memang penat dan sakit seluruh anggota,
menggosok selut dilantai yang mencecah buku lali.
Syukur Ya Allah, kami masih ada rumah untuk dihuni.
mencuci kain baju yang basah kesemuanya.
Syukur Ya Allah, kami masih ada kain baju untuk dipakai semula.
memberus pinggan mangkuk periuk belanga.
Syukur Ya Allah, pinggan mangkuk periuk belanga kami masih ada.
mengangkat membuang perabut yang sudah tak boleh diguna
Syukur Ya Allah, semakin bertambah ruang didalam rumah, kami akan lebih selesa.
Syukur Ya Allah kerana yang rosak dan yang musnah hanyalah harta dunia semata-mata.
Syukur Ya Allah, kami sekeluarga selamat tanpa sebarang cacat cela.

Syukur ku padaMu Ya Allah, kerana memberikan kami ketabahan, kesabaran dan keupayaan menghadapi dugaanMu ini. Semoga segala kesusahan yang kami lalui ini menjadi kafarrah kepada dosa-dosa kami padaMu Ya Allah.

He was 48

when he took his last breath on 4th of July 2010. He would have been 49 had he lived to see his next birthday on 21 December 2010. He was my eldest brother, Azman. His death was sudden but not unexpected.

This morning when I woke up, I was trying to remember, when was the last time I spoke to him. The last time I saw him alive was on Thursday 1 July 2010. But I cannot remember when was the last time I talked to him. He came over to 410 the day I got home and asked me something about work and I cannot remember what I replied. I said a lot of bad and hurtful things to him sometime in March this year. Now I cannot remember whether I have asked for his forgiveness. When was the last time I salam-ed him?. No use for regrets now.

My eldest brother was not the smartest guy on the planet. He made some bad choices. He succumbed to temptations as did many of his friends. To succumb to the temptation was the easy way out. Despite all the wrongs that he had done, my eldest brother has the kindest of heart. He never made enemies with anyone. He was liked by everyone. Very helpful to others and very respectful to the elders. His life was hard, that is what he had to pay for, for all the wrong things he did. In the last 5 years or more, he was inflicted with all kind of sickness. He was diabetic and suffer from all kind of other illness due to diabetes, had renal failure and the latest was a tumour, not in the brain but on the skull at the back of his head (I may got this wrong). He was in a lot of pain but tried hard not to make life difficult to others.

He died before he became a burden. He died knowing that abah and mak had forgave him. He got his wish to be buried in SB because he wanted to be close to my grandparents and other family members. We were quite surprised to find out that his final resting place, was next to my paternal grandfather. They were very close. My brother was his favourite.

I have to remember to make duas for him, always. May Allah swt accept his taubat. May all his sickness, his pain, his sufferings be the kafarrah for all his sins. May Allah swt put him together with the solihins.

People remarked that his funeral were like a YB's. The minute the news of his death were out, both the opposition UMNO and PAS members came to set up tents outside no 7. The streams of visitors were overwhelming. Family, friends and neighbours old and new all came to pay their last respect. He death was easy and so was the whole funeral preparation. Alhamdulillah.

When and how will ours be?

A New Leaf

Today is the 2nd day of turning 44 and also the 2nd day of a new leaf.

With no solid plan of what to do with the rest of my life, I am feeling quite good nevertheless. Not sure yet how I will feel in the next 4 or 5 months ahead when the money depleted. Let's not cross that bridge.. not until I reach there.

I was home for 5 days. I was full of enthusiasm, full of gusto when I started my journey home, I planned in my head and imagine myself cleaning my room, rearranging the furniture, organising this and that and get to sit down and do some paperwork. But when I got home, all my semangat went out of the window. The house was in a total mess! I do not know where to begin. I wanted to start with my bedroom then I realised that I do not have a wardrobe, so where do I put all my clothes. Boxes are everywhere. Furniture are haphazardly placed. Sigh! In my room, the only empty space was on the bed, only one side of it, reserved for me to sleep on, I supposed. And then I got the flu, so that's it. I have no energy to do anything and just let things be the way they are and left for KL yesterday. I even brought with me my dirty clothes for Rohaya to clean because I do not have the semangat to even do laundry.

I called Murni, the cleaner lady that we normally employ to help clean the house but she was not free. I have arranged for her to come to the house when I go home in a couple of weeks. But I have a dilemma. How do I do this without hurting my parents' feeling. My parents are borderline hoarders. They never throw things away. So, we have furniture that dated way back when and some has lost not only its shine or colour but also its shape. They keep all broken electrical appliances. There's 2 broken washing machines, 2 broken TVs, old radios, stand fan, table fan, name it, we have it somewhere in the house.

I want to throw away or giveaway things that we no longer need. I have to put my feet down and do this once and for all. Otherwise I do not think I will be able to live in that house without feeling rimas. I am not the cleanest or the tidiest person on earth, I am not but I just can't stand living in the house the way it is right now. I just can't.

Not that the house is bad just like it is, the younger brother pulak is using the living room as his workshop. Adoi, sungguh sakit mata ini melihatnya.

The dilemma is worst when the house is mine. If I were to be so MEM SAHAB-ly, I am afraid that they think, mentang-mentang lah ni rumah dia, and make some people and even worst if my parents feel uneasy. I just close one eye everytime I went home before this because I was just home for a few days. Let's not stir anything up, that has been my motto. But this time, I am going to stay there, insyaAllah for good. I just cannot live like that. I have to do something about it and lay down a few laws to the inhabitants, my parents excluded. As far as I am concerned, Mak and Abah can do as they please, as long as they are happy, but the rest of the people in the house has better get their act together. Mem Sahab is in the house!

Back to the new leaf, although I have no solid plan on how to earn money at least for the next 6 years, I am feeling good inside. I have this strange feeling that something good is on the horizon for me. I pray to Allah swt to guide me to the right path and shower me with His rahmat, hidayah and rezeki.

This afternoon at lunch, I told Zurin that Che Me'e is working in NZ. Suddenly she just said, lets do that Maknjang, lets just go to NZ, look for a job and stay there. If we are not happy, we come back. That's a thought....... to ponder?

Jit

His name was Abdul Aziz Ahmad. He was my cousin, the son of Abah's younger sister. He was a year older than me. Jit and I grew up together as our houses were just a walking distance away.

Jit was like a brother. I have two elder brothers and the two of them will always ganged up against me and I was the youngest for close to 7 years, no other sibling to turn to, Jit was always there for me. Jit was everybody's favourite. Loved by everyone.

Jit was present at all the important events in my life and I was in his. My leaving home for MRSM, my leaving home for KL, my leaving home for Australia and all my homecomings. His leaving home for Al-Arqam, his engagement, his wedding and his first born. I went home as often as I could when he was sick. But I was not there on his final day, the day he left all of us behind. Mak, abah, my younger brothers, my nephews and my sister were in KL. He left us all in 1993, and left his only daughter Asma' orphaned at 2 years of age.

Asma' is coming home from Jordan today. I promised to see her at 5 at KLIA, unfortunately, I am overbooked. As I was driving to work just now, I was thinking of Asma' and plan to tell Udden, my no 1 nephew to go see her and make sure she checked in for he flight to AS safely. I won't be able to see her until I go back to AS next week. That was how I came to thinking about Jit.

I have always wonder how my life would turn out to be had Jit still be around. I never have anybody that I can talk to and tell everything to, other than Jit. And since he left, I have never actually "talked" to anyone. I know, its not good to berkalau as there is no point to it at all. But I still wonder. Sometimes when I want to make a certain big decision, I would always ask myself, what would Tok say about this and what would Jit think about this. Ever since I tendered my resignation, the two of them were constantly on my mind. I know that if Jit is still around,he would support my decision and would support whatever I want to do with my life and he would even support me financially, if I ever needed it.

As for Asma', although we are not close since her mother remarried and and she moved away with her, she will always have a special place in my heart. Just because she is Jit's daughter. Not many people will understand this, especially my younger siblings as they never knew how close Jit was to me.

Al fatihah buat Jit dan doa Adik semoga Allah swt tempatkan Jit bersama-sama orang-orang yang solihin. Amin.

Rambles of the Home Alone

It’s now 10:55am and as usual when I am alone at my place in SD, no breakfast yet because there’s no food nor drinks in the house, not spoken to anyone, not taken a shower yet, very hungry and still figuring out what to eat, where to go but laziness will rule out everything.

I am just too lazy to do anything; hunger is at its peak. I am doing this to keep my mind away from food. I dare not even watch the food channel! The last meal I had was McD Fried Chicken, large coke and large fries at 2:30pm yesterday!

My mind works overtime at times. I tried to sleep off this hunger but every time I closed my eyes, my mind went everywhere and slumber was furthest. Work, family and in the end money. Money… and the lacks of it. My Mak always said, no matter how much money you have, it will never be enough and the little money that you have, it’ll always be enough. I admire my mother for this and I wish I can have her wisdom and share her outlook on life. My selfless mother, who always put others first and herself last. My mother, who would never complaint no matter how bad we treated her. My father once said, we have never been nice to Mak. We raised our voice at her and we took her for granted all the time. Abah was right. Abah included. Poor Mak, although I realize that I sometimes, aaah, make that most of the times! took Mak for granted, raised my voice at her and sometimes threw sarcasm at her, I always hope that she knew that I did not mean all the things I said and that I love her very much. Well, when was the last time I told Mak that I love her… probably never! Things have got to change Maknjang!

Four months down the road, insyaAllah I will be heading home and live with my parents while looking for new employment. These are all Allah’s work. I have planned to retire at 50 and return home to Mak and Abah. That would be more than 6 years away. Never have I thought it’ll be sooner. Maybe 6 years later is too late? I dread at the thought.

After I left home to go to MRSM in 1979, the longest period that I have stayed home was in 1994 when I left KPJ, jobless in July and stayed until November that year before I returned to KL. I was at home for four months. I cannot recall what I did to kill time or how I was feeling being home that long. But then, during that time, my younger brothers were still very young, so I must have spent a lot of time with them. I was younger too and less of a worrier.

This time though, I hope my homecoming will be permanent, will be different. I am a lot older (although none the wiser), am so are my parents. I am happy but at the same time nervous. I do not want my presence at home to be a burden to my parents, heck! I was hoping to be joy! But, can I behave? Be the ever obliging daughter? At 44, will there still be tantrums of a spoiled brat! What if I did not get another job and ran out of money? Will my parents then be able to support me? Will I then really be a burden? Will they be ashamed of me when I am all out of money? What about my siblings? Now that I can no longer provide for Mak and Abah, will they take over? I know, I know, I have not reach the bridge yet, let’s cross it then. I have to have absolute faith in Allah swt. Just doa, usaha and tawakal. But once in a while, the syaitan whispers in your ears especially when you are alone and start seeding all these doubts in your head.

Yesterday, I heard this Syair on the radio and tears started streaming. Isn’t this just the most wonderful Syair ever written? Try reading this without shedding a single drop of tear, if you can.

Nazam Ibu dan Ayah by Professor Lim Swee Tin

Ibu mengandung sembilan bulan,
lebih dan kurang tak ditentukan
lahirkan dikau berapa kesakitan,
berpantang pula minum dan makan
cukuplah masa sampai ketika,
lahirlah engkau ke dalam dunia
barulah suka ibu dan bapa,
kepada engkau sangat kasihnya
harap ibumu bukan sedikit
tinggilah harap darinya bukit
lama ibumu merasa sakit
sembilan bulan tidak berbangkit
Setelah kamu sudah lah ada
siang dan malam ibumu jaga
tidur pun tidak barang seketika
makan dan minum tidak berasa
berapa lah dian dengannya tanglong
diangkat dituang lalu dibedung
sudahlah jaga lalu didukung
kasih dan sayang tidak tertanggung
tidak tertentu siang dan malam
bangun memangku didalam gelap
terkejut jaga ditengah malam
tidur pun tidak lekat ditilam
rela ibumu menanggung hutang
kain dan baju tidak dipandang
basah diampai kering dipinggang
tidur pun galas tidak berenggang

kenang ayahmu anak bangsawan
barang katanya jangan dilawan
ibu bapamu hubungan tuhan
baru sempurna anak budiman
hai segala anak nya adam
kasihnya ibu tiada sempadan
kasihnya ayah rela berkorban
badan dan nyawa jadi taruhan




Sob! Sob! Sob!
Okay, shower now and then go eat!

Two Sides to Every Story

Ours included. You believe yours and I, mine. Of course you never knew my side of it and knowing me, you never will.

Here's my story and here is the real reason why I did what I did and why I am still leaving. I am utterly at peace with my decision because I know it is the RIGHT thing to do. The only thing to do. Lies, they will haunt you. You even said that to me.

More than 15 years ago you took me under your employ and I am forever grateful. Never say that I am not. Never. I learned plenty, experienced a great deal and matured as a person and as a worker. I am forever in your debt for this. Forever. Never again say that I am not grateful. Never. We have been through a lot together. The whole lot of us.

You are never an easy boss to deal with. Maybe, so am I, as a worker, I mean. Everybody has their own idiosyncrasies, you keep reminding me. There were "incidents", there were "episodes" the ups and the downs, the hot and the cold in our boss/kuli relationship. You know what they are. There was even a time when you were cold to me, freezing cold for a very long period. But I persevere. After all you are the boss and I am a mere employee. To me, its always, its okay, he has a lot on his mind. Its okay, he will come around in the end and all will be well again. He always does. Sometimes I even told myself that I deserved to be treated this way. I am always at fault, even when its not, I convinced myself that I am.

I never asked to be treated in any other way other than as another human being. I never expected to be treated as your peer, for I never will be. But I think, if you have served someone for more than 15 years, you deserved to be treated a little better, with a little respect. Not much, just a little. But not around here. You created a caste system where the help are always the help, to be bullied if needs be. The lower and the upper caste they will never mixed. Ever! But still, I do not mind all these. I persevere. After all the paycheques await at the end of every month, I forgot that rezeki belongs to Allah swt and HIM alone, you are not the one who decide my rezeki. AstaghfiruLlah hal 'ziiim. The truth is, I do mind to be treated like a slave, I work for you, its your company. Never mind that in a small way, we the workers also helped built it to where it is now. I do not mind at all, bully me, torture me, belittled me, make fun of me all you want. Of course it hurts but never mind.

I was sad after I came back from Hajj. Syahdu, full stop. After spending a long time in the two holy cities and have to come back to this life, everybody who just came back from Hajj would understand this sadness. I did not get a chance to fully recuperate and started work two days after my return. I only get to spend one and half days with my family before I have to return to KL.

I felt funny the first day I was in the office. People looked at me funny, some were even scared to look at me. The staffs were too careful when they talked to me. I knew there's something here but none is telling. I thought this is just the syahduness in me that made me felt that way. Until I received your sms on the 3rd day I was in the office. You are reorganising the whole company. And most of what I was doing before I left for Hajj are now taken away from me and you wanted me to concentrate only on the two companies. After I got over the initial shocked and felt so stupid for calling all the HODs and asked them to fill me up, I felt relieved. This is my doa. In front of the Kaabah, I have asked Allah so many times to make my work here easier. My doas are answered, my work got so simplified that I only need to concentrate on doing accounts for two companies. No more managing the equestrian park. No more cheque signing. I need not have to approve anything. I just have to concentrate on the accounts of two companies. What more do I ask for? ALhamdulillah, syukur Ya ALlah.

Only those close to me and my staffs knew how much I put into work. How much time left for me. How much family time I had over the years. I worked during weekends because there are just too much to do. You always said that this is because I do not know how to organise my time. No its not that, there are just too many things to do. And as if the company work is not enough, there is also the association's work. I worked on most weekends, except on the weekends that I balik kampung or have dates with my nephews and niece. How do you think I felt when you can't even wait for me to come back, you already asked HR to deduct my salary for the extra days leave I have to take because of flight rescheduling by Tabung Haji?. After more than 15 years of giving almost my all, my extra 10 days leave were in question. I do not mind the salary deduction. If Allah has preordained that the money is not mine, then it would not be mine. But I was so so so hurt because you did not even have to think twice before asking HR to deduct my pay or wait for me to return and tell me. Did it ever occur to you to consider that during the 14 years I was with your company, there was no marriage leave?, there was no maternity leaves?. Did you know how many days of my annual leaves got forfeited over the 14 years because I just cannot finish them and cannot carry them over to the next year? Other than the long MC for my myomectomy, did you know how many days MC I took over the years? Did you know how many weekends I have to sacrifice to work. I guess all these did not matter to you, because as an employee I was expected to work hard. Too bad I am not married. Too bad that you have to make me the treasurer of the association because you have no one else. Too bad that the association work has to be done on weekends because on weekdays I have the company work.

I am okay with the reorganisation, even if you don't believe me. Like I said, this is what I asked from Allah for. I was okay even when you talked down on me in front of the people who used to be my staffs. But that does not mean it did not hurt. It hurts so bad. But I accepted my fate. You want to put your children at the forefront. This is YOUR company, they are YOUR children, who am I to argue with you. Whatever opinion I have on your children, I shall keep them to myself. They are your children and in your eyes, they can never do any wrong.

And then came the cold treatment. Owh, believe me, I am so used to this hot and cold thing. I have been here 15 years and more, have I not? This is nothing to me. I can endure this, if I want to. And then came the smses and the I can never do anything right. You told the staffs not to ask me for advice. Fine. You told the staffs that I always made wrong decisions. Fine. You turned the staffs against me. Fine. You may have succeeded to do this, turning staffs against me, if the staffs were more loyal you than to me. You said I am at war with you? How stupid would I be, if I were to do that. Why would I want to fight you when I knew I would lose. This is YOUR company. Do whatever pleases you, say whatever pleases you. I do not mind!

Then on 24 Feb 2010 at 7:17am, you decided to send me THAT sms. Your method of spying on me is by using your driver?. After more than 15 years, I am that untrustworthy that you need people to spy on my every moves? I cried a lot that day. And the day after that, and the day after that. A lot of people cried with me. My father included. The staffs included. I thank Allah for family and friends, for their support an their love.

That sms makes me think long and hard. In front of the Kaabah I have asked Allah to show me the right path. The path to HIS redho. That is all I want, keredhoaan Allah swt. That sms made me think, are all these (things that are happening to me after I return from Hajj) signs from Allah swt. Signs for me to leave your employ. I have in front of the Kaabah, asked Allah's forgiveness for all the THINGS that I have to do. You know what they are. I asked Allah for rezeki yang halal. I kept thinking whether these are signs. And then I stopped thinking. It just hit me. Boom!!!! Yes, that is what I need to do. I need to leave you. I have always felt so unwelcome anyway. I am already like a pain that everybody has to put up with. Leaving now is the best for everybody.

Saya tidak mahu mendapat redho Datuk dengan memperolehi kemurkaan Allah swt.

But I am such a coward. I am always afraid of you. I am confrontational, but never with you. So that's why I did it the way I did it. I never meant to just pack and go and leave things unfinished. But I was too scared that if I did not do it that way, you will just kicked me out, anyway.

The truth is, I would have put up with the hot and cold for another 15 years, maybe more. I would have continue to work as hard or even harder, although in your eyes, I never contributed much. The truth is, even when I felt so unwelcome around here, I would have stayed on because I know, not many people can do what I did and not many can work for you. I owe you that much. The truth is, I did not lie when I said I am leaving because of THAT sms. The truth is THAT sms has opened up my eyes to see the truth. I cannot stay because I do not want to have to to the THINGS that you will ask me to do. Yes, I do have principles. Like you said, its wrong and there are no ways to make wrongs, rights. You believe that, that is the only way, you have no choice. But I don't believe that. I can't tell you that. You even said that you have to do this especially after I have cost you RM3million. I wish I can tell you how the RM3million was decided. People remembers and forgets things at their convenience. Rezeki itu di tangan Allah swt. That RM3million was never meant to be yours, did that ever crossed your mind? I never said I was not wrong. Yes, I was to be blamed but not entirely. If you did not sign the documents, it will not happen. Did it ever occur to you that the RM3million that you lost is the RM3million that you gained? You know what I meant. Yes, I was wrong. I am sorry. I wish I could pay you back.

Manusia yang hebat adalah manusia yang tidak bergantung selain dari Allah swt.

In short, no matter how nice and sweet you are to me right now. I am still leaving. Because that is the only right thing to do. I still do not know what I will do for money after this but saya yakin dengan janji Allah. Rezeki itu ditangan Allah, bukan ditangan manusia.

I will continue to doa for you, your family and your company's well being, like I always do, even when you are no longer my boss. You have to understand that I HAVE to go because I can't stay. I am sad and it hurts.