My wish may come true (finally!)

InsyaaALlah

Remember when I was contemplating what to do post relinquishing my employment?. One of the thing is what is closest to my heart. Teaching excel and what you can do with it.

I do not have many skills, but I do have one that I value very much.My excel skill. I am by no means an expert but I noticed that amongst the people in the financial fraternity that I have come in contact with over the years, I am better than most. The only people that are above me or at par are those that specialised in preparing Financial Models for a living.

Once many years ago the company sent me to a 4 day workshop for FM with excel and lotus in Singapore and paid a dear sum for it. That was when I realised that I have something of value. The workshop was attended by 15 people (the maximum they would take) mainly from banking industry, advisory firms and a couple from a renowned firm that specialised in preparing FM for new projects, financing etc. I ended up being the assistant to the presenter, who was specifically flown in from South Africa for the workshop. I have to assist him to check the work of others and he checked with me now and again when introducing a new thing. You see, his knowledge is more academic while mine is more hands on and practical. And during that time I have already mastered both excel and lotus equally and I can use the keyboard for shortcuts with eyes closed and he was so impressed!

Enough self praising!!!

Anyhow, my motto is always knowledge sharing. No matter how trivia it may be, share and you will end up learning more.

I want to impart this little knowledge that I have, but so far only one person has taken that offer and I have taught him and his son how to do cashflow projections using excel. Alhamdulillah, he found it to be a very useful skill to have. While he planned for me to do this for a few of his entrepreneur friends, they do not seem to be interested.

And then out of the blue my partime boss suggested that I should conduct a class for the Finance staffs, mainly those who joined after I left and I jumped at the opportunity. Elation!!!

The dates have been set, it will be 29 April to 2 May. I actually sat in front of this PC to start doing the power point presentation but why oh why am I here instead?? I have all the things I want to teach in my head, but putting pen to paper, so to speak, takes a lot of will power. To steer away from FB, from games and blogging, does take a lot of will power!  haih!

On 3 May, insyaaAllah 8 of us killerladies and 6 nonkillers will be  flying off to Bandung for a 4 days shopping extravaganza, I am so excited. Hopefully this is the first of many trips we will be taking together, Allah willing.

Syukurku hanyalah untukMU

I am drafting this in word rather than in the blog itself as I am not sure whether or not I will be posting it. (I am posting it, so here it is!)

A few days ago my Njang asked me, “duit adik ni tak luak-luak ka?” I was puzzled by the question. She explained that she did not notice any changes in my lifestyle before and after not working fulltime. I wanted to laugh because we were in my Cik Remia when we talked. What did she mean by no change, hello Njang, kita duk dalam kereta apa ni? Isn’t this a very obvious change in the lifestyle? Very very obvious!

I think she made that remark because I had just returned from umrah and was flashing my brand new silver ring and a brand new iphone 5. Last month she was envious of the iPad I bought for Abah.

So here’s the thing. It is true that it seems like my money macam tak luak. But mana boleh tak luak, unless I am spending less than what I am earning. But that’s not the case; there are months when I spend a lot more. For instance, this month alone, I spent more than double of what I earned in  a month. But how did I survive thus far? And can still pleasure myself with a few luxuries here and there. This is what I wanted to write about. Allah’s blessing. That must be it. I cannot think of any other reasons other than its all from Allah swt. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. So very thankful, Ya Allah. Never underestimate the power of duas

. وَقَالَ رَبُّڪُمُٱدۡعُونِىٓأَسۡتَجِبۡلَكُمۡۚ 

And your Lord hath said: Pray unto Me and I will hear your prayer. (AlQuran 40:60)

I am the type of person who calculates. I am not calculative but I prepare a budget for everything, I do cashflow forecast for my income and expenditure. Believe it or not, I have forecasted until I am 84 years old!!!! Just to see who or what will last longer, my money or I. Alhamdulillah based on the projection, bearing no unforeseen circumstances (accountant’s standard disclaimer phrase!) it looks like I will be the loser, money will survive. But that’s only my plan. Allah swt knows best.

Anyway, I budget. I plan for so much to spend every month but so far I have managed to always spend more than I budgeted!! There was always something, some unplanned expenditure. It will always be a necessity. But I noticed when this happened, somewhere in the near future, some unplanned income will surface. This happened over and over again. Alhamdulillah. SubhanAllah.

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

iPhone 5 was not a planned thing, my BB was giving me problems for quite sometimes. One day I met a friend and upon looking at my battered BB, she chuckled and said, “MJ, go get yourself a Samsung or an iPhone 5 now, right now, please”. So I did, immediately after we finished our tea and charged it to my credit card. (Buying the phone was another story for another day, perhaps). When I get home, I will open my budget and figure out how to pay for that. I did that but did not reach a solution. Although I have a little money saved elsewhere, I will not touch that unless it is needed for umrah trips. A few days later, an opportunity to earn extra income came a knocking!!! You see what I mean?

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

I went for umrah last month. In the original budget, we assumed 15 people will go with us and based on that, 2 persons can go for free. I am one of them, the other is our advisor. Since I have never handled this trip totally on my own, I felt a little insecure and therefore I thought since I am going FOC and I have budgeted for this trip, I might as well use that money to bring another person with me; someone who can assist me, when help is needed. Initially I thought of bringing Big D, but then my sister has not been there so I might as well bring her instead. When I asked her, she said yes and a few days later decided that her husband will also go. Again a blessing, otherwise she will not be able to go due to mahram issue (aduhai la Arab Saudi and your rules!). Things started to go wrong from the very beginning; firstly, one jemaah cannot go because of mahram issue. Then we cannot get the hotel that we planned, the one closer to Haram. After that another jemaah cancelled due to health reason. We still continued with our plans and continued to pray. The visa fees were more than what we were originally told, hotels were more expensive. And we continued to make duas. 

. وَقَالَ رَبُّڪُمُٱدۡعُونِىٓأَسۡتَجِبۡلَكُمۡۚ

And your Lord hath said: Pray unto Me and I will hear your prayer. (AlQuran 40:60)

Robbi yassir wa la tu ‘assir, rabbi thammim bil khayr

Meanwhile I have to refund the jemaah that cannot go because she has no mahram. With all the increase in the expenses and sponsoring my sister, I ended up spending more than what I originally planned to spend for this trip. Considerably more, about RM5,000 more, that is A LOT to me! But somehow I did not have to touch my savings at all except to pay for the airfare for my sister and I!, this is still a mystery to me. You see, I ended up having to pay for my sister; a full package price, paying airfare for myself, refunded the jemaah, pay the extra visa fees and extra hotel bills. Its mind boggling, really, but I am not complaining. SubhanALlah!

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

Alhamdulillah our umrah trip went smoothly despite staying quite far from Haram, none in the group fell ill, a minor cough and cold were spotted but nothing serious, a few hiccups here and there but otherwise okay. This time around, we were all blessed with good appetite! Alhamdulillah.

Thank you Allah. HambaMu ini memohon keampunanMU kerana tidak mampu memujiMu sepertimana Engkau memuji diriMU. Tidak ada kata-kata yang dapat menggambarkan kesyukuranku kepada MU Ya Allah!

SubhanALlah. Alhamdulillah. ALlahu Akbar!

A plan, a plan, we've come up with a plan!

A couple of weeks ago, the husband of a close friend, died. I have been feeling sayu ever since. He was 46. His death reminded me of my eldest brother who, 8 months ago brother passed away at 48. Both deaths were sudden. Inna lillahi wa inna ilai hi roji'un, Surely we belong to Allah and to HIM we shall return. May they rest with the solihins.

The lady of leisure R, took the jobless Maknjang to visit the recently widowed, the entrepreneurial Ij, yesterday. We visit with Ij for about 4 hours at her place in LMSP. Alhamdulillah Ij is coping well. Her 2 daughters were in school so we did not have a chance to meet them.

For the last 6 months or so, whenever the three of us met, we have been saying that we should start doing something beneficial with our time. We think that we should embark into a business together. We always joked that we want a business that requires the minimal of capital, the least of work and generates the most income. All our discussions always ended on that note. The only thing we ever resolved is that we need to do something but we never seriously discuss about how to do it. No plan.

Yesterday we recognised that Maknjang (not a discovery really, its been a fact for a while) needs to find ways to make money when her term ends this August, Ij needs to do some serious income generating project if not for the moolahs as she already has other "hobby" businesses which are giving her constant cashflow and her husband left her quite comfortable, IMHO but I think more so to fill her time. R the lady of leisure may not want to do this for the money but I think when your kids are all grown up, she too has a void that needs to be filled.

So there we were at Ij's dining table munching over popiahs, fried chicken and cut fruits talking about this and that and suddenly we reached that topic again. This time we decided that there shall be no more empty talks. Let's just put it this way. We have come up with a plan, a concept at least of what all three of us can do, Yay! We need to talk more and iron out the details. I feel good about this plan. It synergise with all my other angan-angan.

Let us dua that this will work and Allah swt will make it easy for us to achieve our target. InsyaAllah. I remember this saying I put up on the ASS's board. Never regret, if its good, its wonderful, if its bad its experience. We will never know until we try it.

I still owe A R L that cashflow that I am supposed to be checking but writing this post instead. Haih!

Gold anyone?

A couple of months back, my youngest brother asked me whether I have "gold money". He just came back from his lesson at Darus Syifa', yes he is learning Perubatan Cara Islam and hopefully, insyaAllah he will succeed in the path that he has chosen. Back to "gold money", I asked him why he asked, he said the ustaz told the class that morning that there will come a time when money - the money we now know and use, will no longer be tender-able. Which is true because our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw) has said so one thousand and four hundred years ago! Hanya Allah dan RasulNya yang lebih mengetahui.

I have been thinking about investing in gold since way back when. When I was working my first job and had the opportunity to visit Pulau Bidong in Trengganu when the island was used by the UN to place the Vietnamese refugees. When your country is at war or any crisis, money no longer has any value. The Vietnamese were using either gold or USD. Then I heard about the Hadith (although daif) about nothing will be valuable except for gold and silver and the akhir zaman, which is now.. sooner or later.

Azwan made me rethink seriously again about investing in Gold. Mind you, I do not have a lot of money especially now that I no longer have permanent employment or any permanent source of income. The only savings I have are in the provident fund and I can't touch any of it until I am 50, which is a mere 5 years away, insyaAllah if I live long enough to reach 50 and beyond.

So how do I buy gold with the little money I have? And then I met SR, the lady who made and sell easy to wear tudung. She taught me how to invest with about 30-40% payment and now I am a proud owner of a 100gm 999 gold bar. I am looking forward to another 100gm soon.

More on gold soon.

Midnight Ramblings

To be honest, I am not sure where I am heading with this post. Something is bugging me since my conversation with my uni mate the other day. Not bugging me in a bad way, it just bugs me, that's all and keeps me thinking of my present employmentless status.

E came to the kenduri Mak threw to commemorate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. She kept asking me what I want to do (for the rest of my life, workwise). When I said I don't know - true, I actually don't know what I want to do right now - she kept saying that I cannot be unemployed, I have to find a job or I will lose my identity. Although I disagreed with her, I did not say anything. She continued on and on of inferiority, waste of talent etc. At one point she even asked me whether I felt that I have wasted my time in my previous employment, i.e. working in a small company unrecognised company, you know the drift. My conclusion is that she thinks that my 15++ years was a waste of time. On a lot of counts, my opinion differed (for the record, I did not 100% diagree, okay) but I did not say anything as I do not want to discuss the topic any longer than we should.

Now, is it true that we are defined by what we do. I would hope that I am not. I would hope that I am more than that. I would hope that I am defined by the person that I have become. If I am what I do, then I would be nothing now, would I not? Would I have to feel inferior now that I am not employed. Do I have to feel ashamed?. I should hope not, for at the moment I am neither inferior nor ashamed. But it has only been 3 months, and I am still occupied with my part-time "suka-takrela-wan" assignments. Will what she said be true as time goes by?. I sure hope not. I actually love the state that I am in right now. Being my own boss, so called. (but then, if I am my own Boss, I can't afford to pay me, how?).

As for wasting my time, the thought has entered my mind, a long time ago but I have resolved that. In the last 15++ years, I have helped someone set up his business, created employments, trained staffs and trainees. I learned a lot, about work, about life. Lasting friendships were born there too. Were all that a waste of time?

I figured, while I still continue doing the part-time job (which is occupying my time, full time), I can slowly (insyaAllah, but surely) find something else to do that will generate a constant income stream. I am keeping my options wide open. I am not actively looking for a full time employment, but I will not turn away from any opportunity that might comes-a-knocking. At my age, I should not be thinking too much of the worldly things, at least not of this world. I should worry more of the other world. The years I have left in this world is lesser than the years I have lived, I think. Alhamdulillah, I have all that I need, and all I need now is to maintain what I have and put food on the table and I wish I can add to it Umrah or holiday trip once in while.

Although money is not everything, dalam dunia materi sekarang, everything needs money. I pray to Allah that I find ways to make money before I ran out of money.

I do not want to be poor kerana kemiskinan boleh membawa kepada kekufuran.
I do not want to be rich either kerana kekayaan boleh melalaikan kita dari mengingati Allah swt.
Yang saya inginkan Ya Allah, adalah kehidupan yang senang dan tenang. Yang kudambakan adalah maghfirahMu. Yang ku cari adalah redhoMu. Amiin Ya Robb.

Live within your means

Yes, please!

Its the final countdown, finally!

Today is 1st June 2010 which to Maknjang means:-

1 month to semi retirement... ooooh I can't wait!
1 month to 44 years old... yikes!
10 days to World Cup... should I care?

Enough of the countdown, pagi ini Maknjang nak tulis lah apa yang Maknjang dengar on the radio recently :-

• Manusia Yang Berjaya adalah manusia yang hari ininya adalah lebih baik dari kelmarin
• Manusia Yang Terpedaya adalah manusia yang hari ininya sama seperti kelmarin
• Manusia Yang Celaka adalah manusia yang hari ininya lebih buruk dari kelmarin

• Orang yang beriman melihat dosanya seolah-olah dia duduk dibawah sebuah gunung yang akan menghempapnya manakala orang-orang yang derhaka melihat dosanya seperti seekor lalat yang hinggap dihidungnya, apabila dihalau dengan tangannya akan terbang pergi.
  

Sebelum Maknjang akhiri antri Maknjang kali ini, marilah kita berdoa pada Allah swt untuk menyelamatkan saudara-saudara kita yang menggadai nyawa didalam misi kemanusiaan ke Gaza. Semoga Allah jadikan mati mereka yang terkorban sebagai mati syahid. Yahudi LaknatuLLah!!!!!

Stretch that RM... the sequel

In my earlier post, I wrote on this subject.

To stretch the RM as thin as I possibly can.

Well, what do you know?

I can actually do it and I have been hit with regrets ever since. Mana daknya!.. I realised that if I actually plan my expenditure properly and do not splurge on things I do not need, I can save A LOT on each paycheque. How much? Let's put it this way, I could go for Umrah each year and throw in an oversea holiday or two in between, that's how much I could have saved each year!!!! Haih! double haih! Too late for regrets already.

Before I went for Haj, I sort of put all my finances in order, because you do not know kan what will happen there. What I did was to pay off all my debts and start to live on cash. Since October last year, I have been living cash basis. Although I still carry credit cards around, I do not use them unless I know I have the money to pay for it and I would normally pay immediately, not waiting for the statement, thank you online banking!

I cannot even start to express the feeling of living a debt free life. Its refreshing, its liberating, its freedom, its beyond explanation. I have been tied up to credit card debts and housing loan before this.

In my previous life, I splurge without care and normally would be spending my future income away, thus a very high credit card debt. After watching Suze Orman, either her own show on CNBC or on Oprah and Till Debt Do Us Part by Gail Vaz-Oxlade regularly, I was determined that I should change. That's how I got started. My first project was to sell off the apartment I bought in KD, I was renting it out but the rent payment were erratic. Alhamdulillah, the process took less than 4 months to finalise. I sold the house to the first couple who viewed it. I doa and doa to make the process go smoothly and without obstacles and Alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered. We signed the S&P in April and I got my final payment in July. I used part of the proceeds to take my parents and youngest brother to Umrah and used the balance to pay off all my credit cards debt. Phuh!

So there, I urge everyone to try this. Its quite impossible for some to live a totally debt free life due to home mortgages and car loans, but at least try to limit your debt to these two alone. If you only need 1 or 2 cars, why have 3. If you need only 1 house, why have 2, 3 or four and be a slave to them. Most importantly eradicate credit card debts! If I can do it, anybody can. InsyaAllah. If you have not watch Suze or Gail before, please do... They will not be telling you anything new, you can bet on it but they will open up your eyes, very wide in my case.

Okay, Maknjang, back to work!

At the Crossroad

Not really, or is it?. Sometimes I do not know what to think, how to think. At the moment, I will not commit to anything. Whatever suggestions he make pertaining to my working for him, part time or full time, from home or from the ASSociation office, until September 2011 or to continue or whatever, I will just listen and keep my mouth shut!

Office mates = long time/term buddies = gossip buddies = people in the same boat = people who share almost the same experience = people who has seen first hand how I have been treated all these years are in the opinion that I should just leave. Full stop. No turning back. They even criticised my decision to agree to stay as the Honorary Treasurer of the ASSociation, saying "you ni baik sangat, he does not deserve your baik-ness". (For the record, I agreed to this because of the 15+ years of employment, I am grateful, never say that I am not!. That is the only reason I agreed to remain as the HT until the end of this term, because if I were to leave, havoc! He knows that.)

Group of Friends (1) = killerladies = 40 something lunch buddies - mixed opinion. Some say, give him a second chance. Min says, don't fall into the trap, again.

Group of Friends (2) = people I know from previous employment advice me to think properly, what is good for me, put him and his company out of the equation. For once just think of Maknjang.

Family = people I would die for and hope that they would die for me too - I do not know.. nobody gives any opinion as I did not ask. Normally with them I would just tell them what I want to do, maybe because they know, whatever they say, in the end I would just do what ever I want to do. But one thing for sure, after I deliberated to abah the real reason of leaving, he agreed that I should leave. I have not told them about his plan for me to work part time from home, yet. Mak as usual is happy and will be happy with whatever I want to do and I know she is happy that I am moving back home.

Here is the situation right now. I have formally tendered my resignation (again, the first letter which he rejected is missing). I know this time he will accept it and we have discussed about how I will handover my work to the respective staffs. It was more like me telling him my plans of what I will do before I leave.

And then he will tell me his plans for me (I was like ... why?... I am leaving, can't you see?). Here is his plan.
1. I will continue to work for him, but from home, i.e. AS.
2. I will come down to KL, to the ASSociation's office, twice a month (staying 2 to 3 days each time).
3. I can claim traveling expenses and lodging (which later he said, maybe its cheaper for you to rent a house, why not rent a place, he said?.. errr.. I am just ending my tenancy, now you want me to continue renting pulak?)
4. He will pay me an allowance - which he has not mention how much; which I do not ask because I do not want to suggest that this is all about money. Because it is not.

I need money, I am not denying that. But my decision is not based on money. If it is, I will not resign, will I?, at least not until I am assured of when my next pay will come from. Even if I agree to his plan, it will not depend on how much he will pay me. It will be because I want to do it.

I do not know what to think. Like I said before, 15 years of working for someone, it would be lying to say that you will not develop any kind of feelings. He is someone I used lo look up to. I used to admire his wisdom, his hunger for knowledge, his generosity, his kindness ( why am I feeling so sad typing all this, is it out of disappointment?), his piousness. The good guy, the self made millionaire who kept humble. Basically I used to worship the ground he walked on. But he started to change. I wish I am imagining this. Sometime I do not recognise this person anymore. Where did that person who called me at 6:45am asking me to come for an interview and on the same day offered me a job with his "small" company. The man who introduced himself as a nobody who is struggling to make it in this world. Once in a while I saw a glimpse of that person in him but it will disappear the minute he started to talk. Arrogance?

Back to my feelings. Kesian, yes. There is no question about me staying. I am leaving. I have to, because I can't stay. No matter how kesian I feel, I just can't stay. To stay means going against my principles. Definitely cannot stay. Now, how about this working from home business. I know that if I disagree to this, there is no one at all at the moment who can take over managing the cashflow for the four main companies. I have been handling this since 1994, no one else. I can teach someone else to take over, but who? It does not seem like he is willing to trust anybody else right now except maybe Mami. But bukan nak kata Mami tak pandai, but because Mami has never done this, Mami pon tak confident. Another issue is that, there is no one in the company who is qualified to be appointed as the company secretary. He tried to employ someone qualified but at the eleventh hour, that girl rejected the offer. Who wouldn't. Strategy sudah salah, bah!. Who would join a company if you are being interviewed by a father-daughter team and was told not to deal with HR, just communicate with the daughter. Would you? Don't you find like there is a story here? Furthermore if you are still in employment and not that desperate to leave. Would you consider leaving to join a company such as this? Out of the frying pan, into the fire, ain't it?

At the moment, I am just taking it one day at a time. I will just do whatever I have to do to tie up loose ends. Teach whatever people want to learn from me. Come end of June, I will go back to AS for a while and come back to KL for the tennis tournaments and audit of the ASSociation's accounts. As for the audit of the company, I will only help if my help is needed. Otherwise, after the tournament is over, I will concentrate on that project I have in mind. Two projects actually.

Pray for me, please.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Tuesday is here again. How time flies. Tomorrow will be 13 years since Tok left us. I miss her so much. Tok would be very happy to know that Azwan and I had performed our hajj and would share my woes and would say all the right words and would tell me exactly what I should do. Tok, I need you more now than ever!

The one thought that never leaves me these days are, what should I do after I left this company. My financial projection shows that, bearing no unforeseen circumstances (I am an accountant, baby!) , my money will last until the end of the year. What's next! I have a lot of plans, getting another 9-5 job is one thing but who would hire a 45 year old woman?

And then I was thinking of starting a part time maid business, after all, I already have 3 customers, yes, Roha, you are one of them.

But there is one thing I feel is my calling. Teaching! I know, I know... no one starts teaching at 45. But I am not thinking of being a school marm, what I have in mind is teaching others what I know, what I have learned and my experiences.

Although I am ready to teach Tajwid and Quran recital, I will leave that to Mak and Abah for now. I am not shy to say that I am good at excel and all the microsoft office applications. Excel, though, I am simply above the average, way up there. Seriously, I am. I have not met anyone who can match my excel skill except those who are doing financial consulting, i.e. project financial model and such who uses Excel and spreadsheet 24/7. I noticed that all new graduates lack excel skills. Excel skill is very important in work life especially if you wish to pursue accounting or finance. No one in this office can do what I can. Pakmat is almost there, but not quite there yet. He can continue using the spreadsheet I prepared and can master all the formula and links but he can never start a new file the way I do mine. As for the rest in this office, its either too difficult for them to decipher or they are just too lazy to learn. Maybe they think that I will be around forever?

Back to my excel knowledge, this is what I have in mind. Starting an excel workshops. My target are university students in their final year, as preparation for them to embark into working life. I can also throw in some english lesson? and perhaps interview tips, what employers are looking for kinda tips? I have a few friends who lectures in finance and accounting in the north, perhaps I can discuss my idea with them? If you are reading this Zu and Zlaa, yes, you are both on my mind. Zu especially and also Faizah, as I plan to balik kampung and stay there. I already have the module in mind. I have been teaching excel for more than 10 years now, although not formally but I do teach now and again to my staffs. I plan to do this because I feel so sayang and what a waste of ilmu pengetahuan if I dont teach them to others. I don't intend to make money out of this, just enough to cover my duit minyak because my main intention is not to make money. Like I said, what a waste if I don't teach what I know. So there.... how?

I have a strong feeling that this is my calling, you know that feeling is your stomach. I just need to study this carefully, come up with a sensible module and think of how to start. I can always start small from my house or rent one of the shoplots in front of my house. I heard that they are opening a Tahfiz School there and maybe they will consider taking me as a student in return of some volunteer work, say teach tajwid?

OOOohhhhHHHH, I can't wait. I am getting super excited now! Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah.......

p/s I am still yet to learn how to mandi mayat.

Tok, adik nak ikut Tok macamana Mak ikut Tok, ajar mengaji dan mandi mayat dan besarlah harapan kalau adik boleh buat macamana Tok dan Mak buat, penuh sabar, tawaduk tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan.

Rambles of the Home Alone

It’s now 10:55am and as usual when I am alone at my place in SD, no breakfast yet because there’s no food nor drinks in the house, not spoken to anyone, not taken a shower yet, very hungry and still figuring out what to eat, where to go but laziness will rule out everything.

I am just too lazy to do anything; hunger is at its peak. I am doing this to keep my mind away from food. I dare not even watch the food channel! The last meal I had was McD Fried Chicken, large coke and large fries at 2:30pm yesterday!

My mind works overtime at times. I tried to sleep off this hunger but every time I closed my eyes, my mind went everywhere and slumber was furthest. Work, family and in the end money. Money… and the lacks of it. My Mak always said, no matter how much money you have, it will never be enough and the little money that you have, it’ll always be enough. I admire my mother for this and I wish I can have her wisdom and share her outlook on life. My selfless mother, who always put others first and herself last. My mother, who would never complaint no matter how bad we treated her. My father once said, we have never been nice to Mak. We raised our voice at her and we took her for granted all the time. Abah was right. Abah included. Poor Mak, although I realize that I sometimes, aaah, make that most of the times! took Mak for granted, raised my voice at her and sometimes threw sarcasm at her, I always hope that she knew that I did not mean all the things I said and that I love her very much. Well, when was the last time I told Mak that I love her… probably never! Things have got to change Maknjang!

Four months down the road, insyaAllah I will be heading home and live with my parents while looking for new employment. These are all Allah’s work. I have planned to retire at 50 and return home to Mak and Abah. That would be more than 6 years away. Never have I thought it’ll be sooner. Maybe 6 years later is too late? I dread at the thought.

After I left home to go to MRSM in 1979, the longest period that I have stayed home was in 1994 when I left KPJ, jobless in July and stayed until November that year before I returned to KL. I was at home for four months. I cannot recall what I did to kill time or how I was feeling being home that long. But then, during that time, my younger brothers were still very young, so I must have spent a lot of time with them. I was younger too and less of a worrier.

This time though, I hope my homecoming will be permanent, will be different. I am a lot older (although none the wiser), am so are my parents. I am happy but at the same time nervous. I do not want my presence at home to be a burden to my parents, heck! I was hoping to be joy! But, can I behave? Be the ever obliging daughter? At 44, will there still be tantrums of a spoiled brat! What if I did not get another job and ran out of money? Will my parents then be able to support me? Will I then really be a burden? Will they be ashamed of me when I am all out of money? What about my siblings? Now that I can no longer provide for Mak and Abah, will they take over? I know, I know, I have not reach the bridge yet, let’s cross it then. I have to have absolute faith in Allah swt. Just doa, usaha and tawakal. But once in a while, the syaitan whispers in your ears especially when you are alone and start seeding all these doubts in your head.

Yesterday, I heard this Syair on the radio and tears started streaming. Isn’t this just the most wonderful Syair ever written? Try reading this without shedding a single drop of tear, if you can.

Nazam Ibu dan Ayah by Professor Lim Swee Tin

Ibu mengandung sembilan bulan,
lebih dan kurang tak ditentukan
lahirkan dikau berapa kesakitan,
berpantang pula minum dan makan
cukuplah masa sampai ketika,
lahirlah engkau ke dalam dunia
barulah suka ibu dan bapa,
kepada engkau sangat kasihnya
harap ibumu bukan sedikit
tinggilah harap darinya bukit
lama ibumu merasa sakit
sembilan bulan tidak berbangkit
Setelah kamu sudah lah ada
siang dan malam ibumu jaga
tidur pun tidak barang seketika
makan dan minum tidak berasa
berapa lah dian dengannya tanglong
diangkat dituang lalu dibedung
sudahlah jaga lalu didukung
kasih dan sayang tidak tertanggung
tidak tertentu siang dan malam
bangun memangku didalam gelap
terkejut jaga ditengah malam
tidur pun tidak lekat ditilam
rela ibumu menanggung hutang
kain dan baju tidak dipandang
basah diampai kering dipinggang
tidur pun galas tidak berenggang

kenang ayahmu anak bangsawan
barang katanya jangan dilawan
ibu bapamu hubungan tuhan
baru sempurna anak budiman
hai segala anak nya adam
kasihnya ibu tiada sempadan
kasihnya ayah rela berkorban
badan dan nyawa jadi taruhan




Sob! Sob! Sob!
Okay, shower now and then go eat!

Two Sides to Every Story

Ours included. You believe yours and I, mine. Of course you never knew my side of it and knowing me, you never will.

Here's my story and here is the real reason why I did what I did and why I am still leaving. I am utterly at peace with my decision because I know it is the RIGHT thing to do. The only thing to do. Lies, they will haunt you. You even said that to me.

More than 15 years ago you took me under your employ and I am forever grateful. Never say that I am not. Never. I learned plenty, experienced a great deal and matured as a person and as a worker. I am forever in your debt for this. Forever. Never again say that I am not grateful. Never. We have been through a lot together. The whole lot of us.

You are never an easy boss to deal with. Maybe, so am I, as a worker, I mean. Everybody has their own idiosyncrasies, you keep reminding me. There were "incidents", there were "episodes" the ups and the downs, the hot and the cold in our boss/kuli relationship. You know what they are. There was even a time when you were cold to me, freezing cold for a very long period. But I persevere. After all you are the boss and I am a mere employee. To me, its always, its okay, he has a lot on his mind. Its okay, he will come around in the end and all will be well again. He always does. Sometimes I even told myself that I deserved to be treated this way. I am always at fault, even when its not, I convinced myself that I am.

I never asked to be treated in any other way other than as another human being. I never expected to be treated as your peer, for I never will be. But I think, if you have served someone for more than 15 years, you deserved to be treated a little better, with a little respect. Not much, just a little. But not around here. You created a caste system where the help are always the help, to be bullied if needs be. The lower and the upper caste they will never mixed. Ever! But still, I do not mind all these. I persevere. After all the paycheques await at the end of every month, I forgot that rezeki belongs to Allah swt and HIM alone, you are not the one who decide my rezeki. AstaghfiruLlah hal 'ziiim. The truth is, I do mind to be treated like a slave, I work for you, its your company. Never mind that in a small way, we the workers also helped built it to where it is now. I do not mind at all, bully me, torture me, belittled me, make fun of me all you want. Of course it hurts but never mind.

I was sad after I came back from Hajj. Syahdu, full stop. After spending a long time in the two holy cities and have to come back to this life, everybody who just came back from Hajj would understand this sadness. I did not get a chance to fully recuperate and started work two days after my return. I only get to spend one and half days with my family before I have to return to KL.

I felt funny the first day I was in the office. People looked at me funny, some were even scared to look at me. The staffs were too careful when they talked to me. I knew there's something here but none is telling. I thought this is just the syahduness in me that made me felt that way. Until I received your sms on the 3rd day I was in the office. You are reorganising the whole company. And most of what I was doing before I left for Hajj are now taken away from me and you wanted me to concentrate only on the two companies. After I got over the initial shocked and felt so stupid for calling all the HODs and asked them to fill me up, I felt relieved. This is my doa. In front of the Kaabah, I have asked Allah so many times to make my work here easier. My doas are answered, my work got so simplified that I only need to concentrate on doing accounts for two companies. No more managing the equestrian park. No more cheque signing. I need not have to approve anything. I just have to concentrate on the accounts of two companies. What more do I ask for? ALhamdulillah, syukur Ya ALlah.

Only those close to me and my staffs knew how much I put into work. How much time left for me. How much family time I had over the years. I worked during weekends because there are just too much to do. You always said that this is because I do not know how to organise my time. No its not that, there are just too many things to do. And as if the company work is not enough, there is also the association's work. I worked on most weekends, except on the weekends that I balik kampung or have dates with my nephews and niece. How do you think I felt when you can't even wait for me to come back, you already asked HR to deduct my salary for the extra days leave I have to take because of flight rescheduling by Tabung Haji?. After more than 15 years of giving almost my all, my extra 10 days leave were in question. I do not mind the salary deduction. If Allah has preordained that the money is not mine, then it would not be mine. But I was so so so hurt because you did not even have to think twice before asking HR to deduct my pay or wait for me to return and tell me. Did it ever occur to you to consider that during the 14 years I was with your company, there was no marriage leave?, there was no maternity leaves?. Did you know how many days of my annual leaves got forfeited over the 14 years because I just cannot finish them and cannot carry them over to the next year? Other than the long MC for my myomectomy, did you know how many days MC I took over the years? Did you know how many weekends I have to sacrifice to work. I guess all these did not matter to you, because as an employee I was expected to work hard. Too bad I am not married. Too bad that you have to make me the treasurer of the association because you have no one else. Too bad that the association work has to be done on weekends because on weekdays I have the company work.

I am okay with the reorganisation, even if you don't believe me. Like I said, this is what I asked from Allah for. I was okay even when you talked down on me in front of the people who used to be my staffs. But that does not mean it did not hurt. It hurts so bad. But I accepted my fate. You want to put your children at the forefront. This is YOUR company, they are YOUR children, who am I to argue with you. Whatever opinion I have on your children, I shall keep them to myself. They are your children and in your eyes, they can never do any wrong.

And then came the cold treatment. Owh, believe me, I am so used to this hot and cold thing. I have been here 15 years and more, have I not? This is nothing to me. I can endure this, if I want to. And then came the smses and the I can never do anything right. You told the staffs not to ask me for advice. Fine. You told the staffs that I always made wrong decisions. Fine. You turned the staffs against me. Fine. You may have succeeded to do this, turning staffs against me, if the staffs were more loyal you than to me. You said I am at war with you? How stupid would I be, if I were to do that. Why would I want to fight you when I knew I would lose. This is YOUR company. Do whatever pleases you, say whatever pleases you. I do not mind!

Then on 24 Feb 2010 at 7:17am, you decided to send me THAT sms. Your method of spying on me is by using your driver?. After more than 15 years, I am that untrustworthy that you need people to spy on my every moves? I cried a lot that day. And the day after that, and the day after that. A lot of people cried with me. My father included. The staffs included. I thank Allah for family and friends, for their support an their love.

That sms makes me think long and hard. In front of the Kaabah I have asked Allah to show me the right path. The path to HIS redho. That is all I want, keredhoaan Allah swt. That sms made me think, are all these (things that are happening to me after I return from Hajj) signs from Allah swt. Signs for me to leave your employ. I have in front of the Kaabah, asked Allah's forgiveness for all the THINGS that I have to do. You know what they are. I asked Allah for rezeki yang halal. I kept thinking whether these are signs. And then I stopped thinking. It just hit me. Boom!!!! Yes, that is what I need to do. I need to leave you. I have always felt so unwelcome anyway. I am already like a pain that everybody has to put up with. Leaving now is the best for everybody.

Saya tidak mahu mendapat redho Datuk dengan memperolehi kemurkaan Allah swt.

But I am such a coward. I am always afraid of you. I am confrontational, but never with you. So that's why I did it the way I did it. I never meant to just pack and go and leave things unfinished. But I was too scared that if I did not do it that way, you will just kicked me out, anyway.

The truth is, I would have put up with the hot and cold for another 15 years, maybe more. I would have continue to work as hard or even harder, although in your eyes, I never contributed much. The truth is, even when I felt so unwelcome around here, I would have stayed on because I know, not many people can do what I did and not many can work for you. I owe you that much. The truth is, I did not lie when I said I am leaving because of THAT sms. The truth is THAT sms has opened up my eyes to see the truth. I cannot stay because I do not want to have to to the THINGS that you will ask me to do. Yes, I do have principles. Like you said, its wrong and there are no ways to make wrongs, rights. You believe that, that is the only way, you have no choice. But I don't believe that. I can't tell you that. You even said that you have to do this especially after I have cost you RM3million. I wish I can tell you how the RM3million was decided. People remembers and forgets things at their convenience. Rezeki itu di tangan Allah swt. That RM3million was never meant to be yours, did that ever crossed your mind? I never said I was not wrong. Yes, I was to be blamed but not entirely. If you did not sign the documents, it will not happen. Did it ever occur to you that the RM3million that you lost is the RM3million that you gained? You know what I meant. Yes, I was wrong. I am sorry. I wish I could pay you back.

Manusia yang hebat adalah manusia yang tidak bergantung selain dari Allah swt.

In short, no matter how nice and sweet you are to me right now. I am still leaving. Because that is the only right thing to do. I still do not know what I will do for money after this but saya yakin dengan janji Allah. Rezeki itu ditangan Allah, bukan ditangan manusia.

I will continue to doa for you, your family and your company's well being, like I always do, even when you are no longer my boss. You have to understand that I HAVE to go because I can't stay. I am sad and it hurts.

Stretch that ringgit

Let's trim the excesses.

No more toys, except for birthdays.

No more tudungs, no more blouses, skirts, pants.. basically, do not need anymore clothing!, seriously...

Movies.... once a month?

Sweet Wood, Marche, Chillies, Sushi Zanmai, delicious, Secret Recipe and the likes... once a year, really?

McD, Pizza Hut and the likes?... once a month?

Let's go back to basic and lets see the ringgit streeeetttttttches....