Nali

I do not know what to name the Post Title.

A few days ago, I received a friend add on FB. It was from a former classmate in MRSM. The last time I met her was in 1983, the tearful goodbyes at BM train station.

I accepted her friend request, chat with for a bit and then I told her I was going back home on Thursday and asked if she would mind if I were to make a slight detour and went to visit her at her house. She did not, so I did.


We were happy to see each other after more than 30 years. It was like we were never apart. Back in school I was mean towards her at times. She is the type that can easily be bullied. I am so sorry for what I did a long time ago. I hope she forgives me.

After SPM Nali completed her matrix courses but did not further her education. She chose to be a stay at home mom when she got married. She now has 5 kids, the eldest is 21 and the youngest is 7. She seems genuinely happy and it showed as she glowed with pride when she talked about her kids and her husband. Honestly, I have never met anyone my age to be so contended with her life. Meeting Nali the first time after more than 30 years was a humbling experience.I will definitely make more detours after this.

I was in tears driving back home. Thank you Allah for this reunion. I can't imagine me in Nali's shoes. I would have a lot to complaint! I cannot be as easily contended as Nali is.

I should learn to be more syukur and sabar.. syukur and sabar.... syukur and sabar.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Wallahu a'lam

My wish may come true (finally!)

InsyaaALlah

Remember when I was contemplating what to do post relinquishing my employment?. One of the thing is what is closest to my heart. Teaching excel and what you can do with it.

I do not have many skills, but I do have one that I value very much.My excel skill. I am by no means an expert but I noticed that amongst the people in the financial fraternity that I have come in contact with over the years, I am better than most. The only people that are above me or at par are those that specialised in preparing Financial Models for a living.

Once many years ago the company sent me to a 4 day workshop for FM with excel and lotus in Singapore and paid a dear sum for it. That was when I realised that I have something of value. The workshop was attended by 15 people (the maximum they would take) mainly from banking industry, advisory firms and a couple from a renowned firm that specialised in preparing FM for new projects, financing etc. I ended up being the assistant to the presenter, who was specifically flown in from South Africa for the workshop. I have to assist him to check the work of others and he checked with me now and again when introducing a new thing. You see, his knowledge is more academic while mine is more hands on and practical. And during that time I have already mastered both excel and lotus equally and I can use the keyboard for shortcuts with eyes closed and he was so impressed!

Enough self praising!!!

Anyhow, my motto is always knowledge sharing. No matter how trivia it may be, share and you will end up learning more.

I want to impart this little knowledge that I have, but so far only one person has taken that offer and I have taught him and his son how to do cashflow projections using excel. Alhamdulillah, he found it to be a very useful skill to have. While he planned for me to do this for a few of his entrepreneur friends, they do not seem to be interested.

And then out of the blue my partime boss suggested that I should conduct a class for the Finance staffs, mainly those who joined after I left and I jumped at the opportunity. Elation!!!

The dates have been set, it will be 29 April to 2 May. I actually sat in front of this PC to start doing the power point presentation but why oh why am I here instead?? I have all the things I want to teach in my head, but putting pen to paper, so to speak, takes a lot of will power. To steer away from FB, from games and blogging, does take a lot of will power!  haih!

On 3 May, insyaaAllah 8 of us killerladies and 6 nonkillers will be  flying off to Bandung for a 4 days shopping extravaganza, I am so excited. Hopefully this is the first of many trips we will be taking together, Allah willing.

Syukur

This entry is a continuation of the last one.

While driving to Kayel yesterday, I was listening to radio Perakfm. On Thursday, they have a program called Santai bersama UKE. I very much like to listen to this, and I plan that in the future, if I were to drive through Perak, I would make sure that it will be on Thursday evening, so I will get to listen to this, 3pm to 5pm.

Yesterday the topic was menghargai jasa baik orang lain. Kalau jasa orang lain pon kita kena hargai, apatah lagi nikmat dan pemberian Yang Maha Esa, lagi Maha Pemurah.

Ustaz Kasim memetik sepotong ayat "Lainn syakartum la aziidannakum, walainn kafartum inna 'adzaabii lasyadiid" ("Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, pasti Kami akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu, dan jika kamu mengingkari (nikmat-Ku), maka sesungguhnya azab-Ku sangat pedih".) Alquran: Ibrahim:7

لَٮِٕن شَڪَرۡتُمۡ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمۡ‌ۖ وَلَٮِٕن ڪَفَرۡتُمۡ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌ۬

If ye give thanks, I will give you more; but if ye are thankless, lo! My punishment is dire.

Maka, it is very important to be a hamba yang sentiasa bersyukur. There are two rewards when kita bersyukur, Allah swt akan menambahkan nikmatNYA kepada kita, dan kita tidak dikenakan azab, sesungguhnya azab Allah itu sangat pedih.

Nikmat Allah swt tu amat luas. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, ampunilah hambaMU ini yang selalu lalai dan alpa dan sering lupa untuk bersyukur diatas nikmatMU apabila senang dan bahagia. Ampunilah hambaMU ini yang sering meminta-minta apabila dirundung malang dan kesedihan. Ya Allah`jadikanlah aku hambaMU yang sentiasa mensyukuri nikmatMU dan bersabar dengan segala ujianMU.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. (Praise be to Allah under any and all circumstances).

Wallahu a'lam.

Syukurku hanyalah untukMU

I am drafting this in word rather than in the blog itself as I am not sure whether or not I will be posting it. (I am posting it, so here it is!)

A few days ago my Njang asked me, “duit adik ni tak luak-luak ka?” I was puzzled by the question. She explained that she did not notice any changes in my lifestyle before and after not working fulltime. I wanted to laugh because we were in my Cik Remia when we talked. What did she mean by no change, hello Njang, kita duk dalam kereta apa ni? Isn’t this a very obvious change in the lifestyle? Very very obvious!

I think she made that remark because I had just returned from umrah and was flashing my brand new silver ring and a brand new iphone 5. Last month she was envious of the iPad I bought for Abah.

So here’s the thing. It is true that it seems like my money macam tak luak. But mana boleh tak luak, unless I am spending less than what I am earning. But that’s not the case; there are months when I spend a lot more. For instance, this month alone, I spent more than double of what I earned in  a month. But how did I survive thus far? And can still pleasure myself with a few luxuries here and there. This is what I wanted to write about. Allah’s blessing. That must be it. I cannot think of any other reasons other than its all from Allah swt. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. So very thankful, Ya Allah. Never underestimate the power of duas

. وَقَالَ رَبُّڪُمُٱدۡعُونِىٓأَسۡتَجِبۡلَكُمۡۚ 

And your Lord hath said: Pray unto Me and I will hear your prayer. (AlQuran 40:60)

I am the type of person who calculates. I am not calculative but I prepare a budget for everything, I do cashflow forecast for my income and expenditure. Believe it or not, I have forecasted until I am 84 years old!!!! Just to see who or what will last longer, my money or I. Alhamdulillah based on the projection, bearing no unforeseen circumstances (accountant’s standard disclaimer phrase!) it looks like I will be the loser, money will survive. But that’s only my plan. Allah swt knows best.

Anyway, I budget. I plan for so much to spend every month but so far I have managed to always spend more than I budgeted!! There was always something, some unplanned expenditure. It will always be a necessity. But I noticed when this happened, somewhere in the near future, some unplanned income will surface. This happened over and over again. Alhamdulillah. SubhanAllah.

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

iPhone 5 was not a planned thing, my BB was giving me problems for quite sometimes. One day I met a friend and upon looking at my battered BB, she chuckled and said, “MJ, go get yourself a Samsung or an iPhone 5 now, right now, please”. So I did, immediately after we finished our tea and charged it to my credit card. (Buying the phone was another story for another day, perhaps). When I get home, I will open my budget and figure out how to pay for that. I did that but did not reach a solution. Although I have a little money saved elsewhere, I will not touch that unless it is needed for umrah trips. A few days later, an opportunity to earn extra income came a knocking!!! You see what I mean?

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

I went for umrah last month. In the original budget, we assumed 15 people will go with us and based on that, 2 persons can go for free. I am one of them, the other is our advisor. Since I have never handled this trip totally on my own, I felt a little insecure and therefore I thought since I am going FOC and I have budgeted for this trip, I might as well use that money to bring another person with me; someone who can assist me, when help is needed. Initially I thought of bringing Big D, but then my sister has not been there so I might as well bring her instead. When I asked her, she said yes and a few days later decided that her husband will also go. Again a blessing, otherwise she will not be able to go due to mahram issue (aduhai la Arab Saudi and your rules!). Things started to go wrong from the very beginning; firstly, one jemaah cannot go because of mahram issue. Then we cannot get the hotel that we planned, the one closer to Haram. After that another jemaah cancelled due to health reason. We still continued with our plans and continued to pray. The visa fees were more than what we were originally told, hotels were more expensive. And we continued to make duas. 

. وَقَالَ رَبُّڪُمُٱدۡعُونِىٓأَسۡتَجِبۡلَكُمۡۚ

And your Lord hath said: Pray unto Me and I will hear your prayer. (AlQuran 40:60)

Robbi yassir wa la tu ‘assir, rabbi thammim bil khayr

Meanwhile I have to refund the jemaah that cannot go because she has no mahram. With all the increase in the expenses and sponsoring my sister, I ended up spending more than what I originally planned to spend for this trip. Considerably more, about RM5,000 more, that is A LOT to me! But somehow I did not have to touch my savings at all except to pay for the airfare for my sister and I!, this is still a mystery to me. You see, I ended up having to pay for my sister; a full package price, paying airfare for myself, refunded the jemaah, pay the extra visa fees and extra hotel bills. Its mind boggling, really, but I am not complaining. SubhanALlah!

   فَبِأَيِّآلاءِرَبِّكُمَاتُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny? Al-Qur'an, 055 (Ar-Rahman [The Beneficent, The Mercy Giving])

Alhamdulillah our umrah trip went smoothly despite staying quite far from Haram, none in the group fell ill, a minor cough and cold were spotted but nothing serious, a few hiccups here and there but otherwise okay. This time around, we were all blessed with good appetite! Alhamdulillah.

Thank you Allah. HambaMu ini memohon keampunanMU kerana tidak mampu memujiMu sepertimana Engkau memuji diriMU. Tidak ada kata-kata yang dapat menggambarkan kesyukuranku kepada MU Ya Allah!

SubhanALlah. Alhamdulillah. ALlahu Akbar!

So, how are you really?

A couple of days ago, I had an extra long lunch with a friend from way back when. The last time I met her was in Feb 2009 when she visited me in the hospital. Back when I had fibroids removed.

We seldom contacted each other, in fact I think from Feb 2009 to Jan 2013, we only made contact via sms at most 4 times!!

She had also left full time employment about a year ago. We shared a few things in common that way.

Then she asked me, so how are you really? To that, my answer was quite spontaneous. I said, I am very happy right now, Alhamdulillah. I could do better in the health department but otherwise, I am happy. I realised I no longer had to think of what to say when people ask me how am I, these days. The truth is at the moment I am the happiest as I have ever been. I cannot recollect being happier and more contented.

I realised I do not need much to feel this way. Long time ago, I thought you could only be happy and contented when you have all the things you wanted, dream job, huge income, big cars, big house, a husband and a couple or more children. You definitely have to have bank, that's what I thought. I cannot be more wrong. Look at me today, I live with my parents with meager income which I do not know whether it will stop coming the next month or the month after. I am driving the smallest and cheapest car ever! And yet I feel so free and so blessed... owh what a feeling! Thank you Allah!

The best part of it is that I now no longer yearn for things I cannot afford. I have very little needs and my wants are very few and very far in between and I am okay if I do not have them. Thank you Allah!.

May we all be in Allah's care forever and ever.


p/s, happy birthday to my bffs, Mazmin and Rohana. May our friendship never come apart.

Ahlan wa sahlan 2013

Sudah tidak pernah berazam apa-apa lagi sejak kebelakangan ini apabila menutup tirai lama dan membuka tirai tahun yang baru.

Tapi entah kenapa, bila membuka mata pada pagi ini, tertanya pada diri, bagaimana 2013 bakal disusuri.

Maka berazam jugalah agar ditahun ini, mulai hari ini, walau apa pun yang ku lakukan.... biarlah ianya menjadi bekalan. Bekalan untuk kubawa kehadapan, ke kehidupan yang kekal. Semoga Allah swt permudahkan.

Selamat Tahun Baru saudara mara sekalian, kawan-kawan, rakan taulan, para kenalan dan jiran-jiran.

Jom kita kejar taqwa.

46

That's the number of years I have lived on this planet. I believed that number is greater than the number of years I have left to live. I don't think I will live to see my 92nd birthday but Allah knows best.

As usual there is no celebration whatsoever but this year my birthday is kinda different. For one, the nephews in BJ remember my birthday and sang happy birthday to you at about 30 minutes past midnight, which no one has ever done for me before and I am so touched by it. The other, which to me is of great significance is that my nephew KH, gave me RM50 as a birthday gift (I guess he did not know what to buy so giving me money is the shortcut). Its not the money that moved me, but its what he said when he gave me the money. Maknjang, ni present dari Abang Ayis to show my appreciation of you.....  sebak, I tell you! Thank you very much my dear nephew for making my day, maybe even my year!

His brother also gave me money.... "Maknjang nah 50sen, I am broke you know, not like adik, adik tu kaya." Haih! he has to learn to manage his allowance better. His excuse for his failure to control his expenses is simple. "Allowance sikit sangat, macamana nak manage". Double haih!

Mak and Abah called to wish me happy birthday but Anna refused to talk to me when Mak passed the phone to her, all she can think of to say is "majang lagak!" he he he which means Maknjang berlagak. She wishes that I am back home, so whenever I am not, Maknjang ni berlagak la, sebab I did not take her along. Favourite sayings from Anna these days are "lagak!" "lekut!" for kedekut and "ana tamau kawan" and of course "ana nak ikut" despite earlier calling you names.. Anna is my 2 and half years old niece, by the way. She is my constant  (most of the time, my only) companion whenever I am back home.

Earlier in the morning I received another call. Dia tanya whether I am in KL or in Kedah and said that dia kat Langkawi. The best part of the conversation is that, instead of wishing me a happy birthday, dia reminded me that today is the 1st of July and therefore it is my birthday and went on to describe a person who are born with number 1, i.e. 1st or the 10th. I am supposed to be stubborn. Which I think I am not.... :)) . Every year its the same. Called me and told me its my birthday and never once wish me anything... funny or what? Maybe next year will be different, we shall wait and see.... maybe not! Tak kisahlah!


Officially my birthday is over. I am done thanking everybody who sent me smses and all the birthday wishes on facebook. I do hope and pray that as I grow older, my iman and taqwa will also increase. I pray that Allah blesses me with umur yang panjang didalam kebajikan dan iman, and when my time to leave this world comes, I will die in husnul khatimah.

To all my BFFs, you know who you are, thank you for the lunches, the gift, the tea and coffee etc etc. May our friendship stay strong forever and ever.

Happy 46th birthday Maknjang.

O Benny, who art thou?

I do not know who Benny is but I do know a couple of facts about him.

• Benny is always late in paying his ASTRO bill, sometimes it reaches to thousands. ASTRO is threatening court action.
• Benny has credit card facilities with CIMB, Standard Chartered and Citibank
• Benny does not pay his credit cards dues on time
• Benny owes to pay his credit card from a credit company (Along????)
• Benny is quite a philanthropist, people always thank him for his contributions
• Benny has stopped going to Fitness First
• Benny's full name is BENNY SOH SEOW L***

O Benny,  please update your handphone numbers with all the banks, ASTRO etc!!! Its been two years already. AND STOP GIVING MY NUMBER TOO!!!!

Thank you.

Maknjang

Kembali Ber-rima

Didalam blog Maknjang yang lama
Maknjang pernahlah berkata
Bila Maknjang hendak bercerita
Maknjang nak menulis dalam rima

Tadi Maknjang dan juga kawan-kawan
Melepak sambil makan-makan
Minum teh dan kopi di dalam cawan
Dua potong kek turut dipesan

Sambil makan sambil bercerita
Kami teruja mendengar berita
Bahawasanya Puan OCPD Melaka
Telah dianugerahkan cahayamata

Sekalung tahniah kami ucapkan
Diatas kehadiran bayi perempuan
Semoga menjadi anak yang beriman
Membesar menjadi suri teladan

Sedang kami riuh berbicara
Datang pula seorang penjaja
Jalannya bertongkat, susah berbicara
Menjual kerepek didalam raga

Simpati kami melihat penjaja
Usianya sudah lewat senja
Lemah pula segala anggota
Semoga Allah permudahkan hidup dia

Dua bungkus kerepek Roha beli
Sebab nak menolak pun tak sampai hati
Kerepek pisang dan kerepek keladi
Menjadi rezeki orang taman tabung haji

Penjaja masuk sekali lagi
Terhencut-hencut mencari pembeli
Roha memang seorang yang baik hati
Habis semua kerepek dia beli

Setakat ini dulu untuk kali ini
Kalau Maknjang rajin, esok berantri lagi
Maknjang nak siapkan kerja sebelum dinihari
Kerja yang dah bertangguh berhari-hari.

Owh ya, esok Maknjang nak ke kota
Tak sabar Maknjang nak jumpa Cik Remia!!!!

Happy Mothers Day

to all mothers, especially mine.

Love,
Maknjang.

Out with the old

in with the new..

Last week I said goodbye ( a very teary one it was) to Miss Wishy  ...

and said hello to Cik Remia (I love you even before I met you!!!!)...

I am downsizing and hopefully in other aspects as well (wishful thinking.....).

Happily,
Maknjang.

Rindu hatiku tidak terkira

pada Cik Remia yang jauh dari pandangan mata.

Of Growing Older

Blogging ni memang berhantu, once you have started writing, mulalah asyik duk ingat nak write.

Tadi saya melepak di rumah Roha, kebetulan a few of her mengaji friends also dropped by for a chit chat. Mereka bercerita mengenai seorang kawan sama-sama mengaji that went for an eyelid operation, face injection, and I do not know what procedure its called but a procedure to ease away wrinkles on your face using threads?. I sat there wondering. On one hand, they went for mengaji, fardu ain, feqah and AlQuran, while on the other.... hmmmmm. All the ladies were older than us.

I do not believe in looking younger than you are, dressing younger than your age etc. If you are 50, to me, you should look 50, not 25. Alhamdulillah if Allah swt blesses you with a youthful appearance. If not, so be it. You cannot stop getting older, sudah hukum Allah, yang muda pasti akan menjadi tua. Dan bila semakin tua, kedut lah di sini sana.

Orang selalu berkata, biar tua asal hati muda, orang sungai baru kata young at heart... again I beg to differ. Kenapa kita mesti berhati seperti berusia 25 jika kita sudah lanjut usia. Bagi saya, lebih elok kita mempunyai hati seperti 46 tahun and we behave like a 46 yo should, when we are 46... bila kita sedar kita semakin tua sudah tentu kita sedar bahawa mati itu semakin dekat.

Entahlah,

Maknjang.

Soul bearing

and I am blaming the entire content of what I am about to write on my BFF Mazmin. So there! And I am writing because I am bored too! Outside mak tengah mengajaq mengaji and breakfast will follow, so I am stuck in this room for a while. I am done playing bejeweled blitz, I am seeing stars already!. I can't play literati because yahoo is acting up. I know I should be finishing some income earning working paper, but I am not in the mood for that. So I am going to revive this sawang gathering blog with another post. 

Why am I blaming Min for this post? Because Min made me think of what I never plan to think about. An issue I have resolved a long time ago and never imagine I would give it another thought.

My mind right now is quite kelam kabut, and I am somewhat dukacita and feeling kinda vulnerable. Cheewah! Boleh ka, vulnerable like that. What with TP (you know who he is if you have read my other blog) turning out to be the way he is right now (I do not talk to him anymore and I can't even bear the mention of his name  aaahhhh, I could write a book just on this topic alone.. but let's not go there), and youngest brother getting married and parents suddenly aging rapidly, (I am not imagining this, they are and so are we, I guess); timbul kebimbangan of what the future holds. Macamana kalau mak and abah dah tak dak? (Yes, its always a kalau, walhal, ajal adalah kepastian.Yang tak pastinya adalah, who will go first). What would become of me. Bila tua, kalau sakit... macam-macam. You know the drift. I know that these are bisikan-bisikan syaitan, kenapa pula kita perlu risaukan benda yang kita tak tau kesudahannya, yang penting kita hanya perlu terus berdoa agar Allah sentiasa menjaga kita dan tidak menduga kita dengan ujian yang kita tidak mampu untuk memikulnya. Kita perlu berbaik sangka dengan Allah swt. Bila teringat balik macam ni, lega sat. Lepas solat, doa panjang sikit. Then syaitan bisik lagi, mula terasa semak perut semula.

To be honest, when Epit started the joke in whatsapp, I felt a little "tersinggung". Originally I typed "terhina" but maybe that is too strong a word to use. I still feel that way, although I know that she did not mean to "hina" (I need to find another word for this, oh my bahasa!)  or anything close to that. She is just Epit, being Epit... a little girl at 45 pretending to be an adult and we will remain friends no matter what. Why do I feel that way, you may ask. Unless you are a 46 year old, single, short fat and ugly perempuan like me, you will never understand, even if you try. Seriously. Therefore when the joke continued, I just went along with it, trying not to make any comment, fearing that it might be misconstrued to mean something else. Before I proceed any further, I would like to make it clear that, I am not angry at Epit. Sikit pon dak. Her concern over her mother's anxieties is genuine, we would be the same if we were in her shoes. She has her mother's best interest in her heart. SubhanaAllah.

How could Epit ask me to consider her so called "proposal", even if was a mere joke amongst friends when all the individuals involved were not in the picture. Like Ja said, it should have been initiated by the person involved, not by nosy sisters. This is where I felt tersinggung... Picture this, nosy sister ask single, short fat and ugly.. and unemployed friend if she would consider being her sister in law... because "kesian mak aku, dia sunyi". If the friend is agreeable, "aku nak suruh mak aku tanya abang aku". Hello? What is wrong with this picture?

Just imagine, if I were so pendek akal and be so agreeable or maybe even jumped at the opportunity;  (to be - how shall I put this mildly, how did she sell her brother to me...a "datin" , nak satu row shophouses pon boleh .. etc). and the brother sikit pon tak hingin .. its quite hard to get passed the short fat and ugly part tu tau ........, where does that put me??? Malukan, macam tergedik-gedik like that kan. Epit, Epit... sedih aku tau. You make me feel so macam apalah when you started that joke. Janganlah buat macam ni lagi kat sesiapa pon, especially orang-orang yang in the same boat as me. It makes us look .. tak tau lah nak cakap macam mana. Macam tak kisahlah any tom, dick or harry (not that I am saying that your brother is just any tom dick or harry, I know he is a somebody, I am just saying), tak kisahlah kalau sekadar untuk dijadikan teman buat mak, kan as long as dapat kawin, afterall dahla tua, macam tong dram la pulak, sapa lagi yang mau kan...

Kalaulah, and I meant it as kalau saja okay, don't get any ideas pulak, your brother has already informed your mom that he wants her to look for a wife for him, tak kisahlah as long as mak dia suka... cerita kita mungkin berbeda. Pengakhirannya mungkin sama, tapi jalan ceritanya akan berlainan dan saya tidak akan rasa tersinggung.

Actually kan Epit, if your mother is really lonely, why don't you just ask us, yang duduk di sini, to once in a while drop by your house and keep your mom company, I wouldn't mind doing that at all. Memang itulah pon antara activiti bersama my mom pon, ziarah menziarahi.

Tutup cerita itu, kita move on to why Min makes me think. Marriage has been the furthest thing on my mind. I have pushed away any thought of ever getting married when I turned 35 or so. I am at peace with myself while resigning to the fact that Allah has preordained that I will lead a single life in this life. Mungkin in another life ada bidadara menanti? BUT I also know that there are three things we cannot control, Ajal, Rezeki and Jodoh. Bukan kerja kita untuk memikirkan ketiga-tiga hal ni, ini hak Allah. Therefore, marriage... not something I plan to think about.

Tak tau why, lately asyik duk bear my soul, first to Ja, then to Min. Maybe sebab youngest brother is getting married. No, I am not sad that he is getting married, I am sad because things does not go according to MY plan. How I foresee the future is that, when mak and abah are no longer with us (owh no!!!!! I typed it!!!!!)... youngest brother and family will continue to live in 410 and so will I, as this is my house. I even planned to hibah this house to youngest brother. Now, youngest brother is marrying someone from another state, far far away from here and it looks like he is interested to move to the future wife's state. I will not stop him if that is what he wants to do. Its his life. Perasaan saya sedikit dukacita tetapi ini adalah ketentuan Yang Maha Esa. Kebelakangan ni pulak, bila saya tengok Abah dan Mak, dah nampak aging sangat. Sayu hati bila tengok mak solat sunat sambil duduk. Syahdu bila tengok wajah abah, bila abah tidur. Terasa akan kehilangan mereka suatu hari nanti, dan saya berdoa agar hari-hari tersebut tiba lambat lagi. Kadang-kadang rasa ingin berdoa agar saya yang pergi dahulu kerana saya tidak sanggup untuk hidup tanpa mereka dan sebatang kara. Saya tahu tidak baik untuk berdoa sedemikian. Bukankan ajal dan maut itu ketentuan Allah swt. Satu lagi is the titi gantung I built more than 17 years ago.. I so badly want to burnt it to the ground but I can't. I still need the "alimony" to sustain my life as I do not have any other source of income. I want to be free of any entanglement with the titi gantung, selagi duk dapat monthly payment, selagi tu I am not free.. and I hate it. Semua perkara-perkara ni duk berserabut dalam kepala otak, ditambah pulak dengan surat layang, poison email, ugutan dan investigation from you know what. Lagi bertambah bingung. Maybe that was the reason why saya sensitif sangat kot dengan lawak Epit tu.

So, Min kata, maybe marriage is the answer (it maybe not)... it might rungkaikan segala kerisauan (it might also add more keresahan). So what if, tetiba ada lah pulak genuine proposal. What if??. .... Will I?.. Ya Allah, duk pikiaq buat apa tak tau... org sungai baru kata lets just cross the bridge if we get there. Ini belum jumpa mana-mana bridge, dah sebuk nak cross... ni semua, Min lah punya pasai.

Resah,

Maknjang.

p/s Min, orang sungai baru kata... ukur baju di badan sendiri, jangan duk tempah baju lagi.

This is not how I foresee it.....

In less than 2 months, I will be 46.

In less than 20 days, my youngest brother will be getting married. 

As I have been away from home for nearly a month, I can only presumed that preparation for the wedding is buzzing at home. Yes, I was away that long. I asked myself whether I actually have to be away or pretended that I have things to do here just because I wanted to be as far away as possible, as long as possible. But, I am going home today. In fact I am typing this at Skypark Terminal, Subang. I shall be fire-flying home shortly.

Home will definitely not be the same after this. 

I am supposed to be happy. I will be getting a brand new sister-in-law for crying out loud. But I am not. I am not a happy person right now. And that is why I was away. The guilty feeling I felt deep in my stomach is the only reason I forced myself to take this trip home. Kesian mak duk kelola sorang-sorang. Mak is the only reason I am going home. I can’t go on pretending that I am needed here anymore.

It is difficult to explain my unhappiness. Only a person in the same situation would understand. Haih! I dread the days ahead. I dread the years ahead. O Allah, please forgive me. O Allah, please ease my discomfort. Amiin.

Sadly,

Maknjang.

Muhasabah Cinta

Syahdu.....

Its been a while

since my last post, a very sad post, that was.

Its been weeks since I have this urge to write an entry here but I was simply too lazy to do anything. The last couple of weeks was spent mostly cooped up in my room either reading novels on line or playing games on yahoo or facebook. I went out of the room just for food, or when my niece, Anna came over, I would play with her outside just for a while. That's the only exercise I do these days. Seriously, I was that lazy, heck, who am I kidding, I am still very lazy. Very.

Its Hajj season and I always get a little "melancholy" this time of the year. Reading updates on facebook from people in the Holy cities or listening or watching programs on Hajj can bring tears to my eyes.

Life at home is rather dull. Missing Ismail a lot.

What was it again that I wanted to write about? Hello brain!

Aaaah, nevermind. I will write again, maybe.

Mohd Ismail Azman, Almarhum (16 October 1993 - 1 April 2011)

The last time I spoke to him was the morning the SPM result was out. He was all dressed up in school uniform at 8am and he stood outside my room. I asked him where he was going at he said in his usual loud voice "nak pi sekolah la, keputusan keluaq hari ni"... I joked that only potential scorers will be as eager as he was, it was too early to go to school, they were only going to release the result after 10am. He then asked what the date was that day and when I said 23rd March, he said "betoi la hari ni keluaq keputusan" and he left. Half and hour or so later he came back saying that they will only announced the result after 11am. As usual I said, I told you so. I offered him a ride to school but he refused, preferring to go with friends instead. I did not wait for him to return as Mak and I left for KL at 12 noon that day. That was the last time I saw Ismail alive.

When Mak returned from KL, Ismail had a fever but he was still working that day. He was delivering ice cubes for RM25 a day. Ismail was asleep when Mak saw that his leg had become inflamed. He was complaining that his leg hurts but we took no notice because he was still playing ping pong every night and working every day. He told me a few days before I left for KL that he felt like his bone is loose, his exact words were "Maknjang, Me'e rasa macam tulang Me'e dah kendoq" while pointing to his left leg. When he was in Form 2, he had a broken bone there due to an accident on the way to school, a girl riding a motorbike hit his bicycle. A couple of weeks before that day, he met with an accident at Kepala Batas, with the next door neighbour. The motorbike Ismail rode broke to pieces, the car the neighbour drow was badly dented. Ismail had minor scratches only because he fell on the car. Later he complaint of chest pain, so Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, after x-ray and all, they found nothing wrong. He never complaint about his left leg until that afternoon. It did not strike my brain to connect his complaint with the accidents he had had.

When Mak saw his leg, Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, he was warded. He had a slight fever. His half sister was on duty at the hospital that day, Mak and Azwan left. He is a big boy and he only had a slight fever and the doctor said, they were going to open up the area and cleaned it up. Nothing to worry about. That was on Tuesday night. On Wednesday, his temperature risen, the procedure was postponed. Nobody visited Ismail because he had a handphone with him, if anything was wrong, he can always call home. Thursday morning, his temperature soared to 47 degreee and that's when everybody took notice. His mother went to visit and he complaint that he was in pain. His whole body was painful, he said. The whole family, almost everyone who always hang around our bangsal ping pong and neighbours went to visit him that day and stayed on. Later that day, when he cannot stand the heat anymore, he went to take a shower. He collapsed upon reaching his bed and was moved to another ward. His heart stopped beating at about 12 midnight. They resuscitated him and moved him to the ICU. I went home on Friday morning.

I went to the hospital after making my rounds picking Njang, Kak Ta and my nephew and nieces. I knew when I saw him lying helpless on the ICU bed that we have lost him. The fact that they allowed anyone to visit him in without limiting the number of visitors was already a sign. I was asked later to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him again when his heart stopped. They never said IF, they straight away say WHEN and then you know for certain. After consulting my parents and my siblings, we decided DNR. It broke my heart to have to be the one telling the doctor of our decision.

The bacteria from his untreated wound had poisoned his blood causing organ failures. Despite injecting him with numerous antibiotics and what nots, the bacteria has spread beyond help. The cause of death was septicemia.

Until today we still cannot believed what had happened. Everyday we mentioned his name. Every little thing we do will have something to remind us of him. Having meals, if Ismail is around, no food will be wasted. While driving, if Ismail is in the car, I have to check the tyres.. he is very heavy, you see. When my head itched.. Ismail will always cabut my uban. Sometimes I felt like he is just sleeping in the middle room. Sometimes when I heard a motorbike approaching, I'd imagined its him, returning from work... Oh Ismail, our bangla, our al-karu.. we missed you so much. ...

A plan, a plan, we've come up with a plan!

A couple of weeks ago, the husband of a close friend, died. I have been feeling sayu ever since. He was 46. His death reminded me of my eldest brother who, 8 months ago brother passed away at 48. Both deaths were sudden. Inna lillahi wa inna ilai hi roji'un, Surely we belong to Allah and to HIM we shall return. May they rest with the solihins.

The lady of leisure R, took the jobless Maknjang to visit the recently widowed, the entrepreneurial Ij, yesterday. We visit with Ij for about 4 hours at her place in LMSP. Alhamdulillah Ij is coping well. Her 2 daughters were in school so we did not have a chance to meet them.

For the last 6 months or so, whenever the three of us met, we have been saying that we should start doing something beneficial with our time. We think that we should embark into a business together. We always joked that we want a business that requires the minimal of capital, the least of work and generates the most income. All our discussions always ended on that note. The only thing we ever resolved is that we need to do something but we never seriously discuss about how to do it. No plan.

Yesterday we recognised that Maknjang (not a discovery really, its been a fact for a while) needs to find ways to make money when her term ends this August, Ij needs to do some serious income generating project if not for the moolahs as she already has other "hobby" businesses which are giving her constant cashflow and her husband left her quite comfortable, IMHO but I think more so to fill her time. R the lady of leisure may not want to do this for the money but I think when your kids are all grown up, she too has a void that needs to be filled.

So there we were at Ij's dining table munching over popiahs, fried chicken and cut fruits talking about this and that and suddenly we reached that topic again. This time we decided that there shall be no more empty talks. Let's just put it this way. We have come up with a plan, a concept at least of what all three of us can do, Yay! We need to talk more and iron out the details. I feel good about this plan. It synergise with all my other angan-angan.

Let us dua that this will work and Allah swt will make it easy for us to achieve our target. InsyaAllah. I remember this saying I put up on the ASS's board. Never regret, if its good, its wonderful, if its bad its experience. We will never know until we try it.

I still owe A R L that cashflow that I am supposed to be checking but writing this post instead. Haih!