Soul bearing

and I am blaming the entire content of what I am about to write on my BFF Mazmin. So there! And I am writing because I am bored too! Outside mak tengah mengajaq mengaji and breakfast will follow, so I am stuck in this room for a while. I am done playing bejeweled blitz, I am seeing stars already!. I can't play literati because yahoo is acting up. I know I should be finishing some income earning working paper, but I am not in the mood for that. So I am going to revive this sawang gathering blog with another post. 

Why am I blaming Min for this post? Because Min made me think of what I never plan to think about. An issue I have resolved a long time ago and never imagine I would give it another thought.

My mind right now is quite kelam kabut, and I am somewhat dukacita and feeling kinda vulnerable. Cheewah! Boleh ka, vulnerable like that. What with TP (you know who he is if you have read my other blog) turning out to be the way he is right now (I do not talk to him anymore and I can't even bear the mention of his name  aaahhhh, I could write a book just on this topic alone.. but let's not go there), and youngest brother getting married and parents suddenly aging rapidly, (I am not imagining this, they are and so are we, I guess); timbul kebimbangan of what the future holds. Macamana kalau mak and abah dah tak dak? (Yes, its always a kalau, walhal, ajal adalah kepastian.Yang tak pastinya adalah, who will go first). What would become of me. Bila tua, kalau sakit... macam-macam. You know the drift. I know that these are bisikan-bisikan syaitan, kenapa pula kita perlu risaukan benda yang kita tak tau kesudahannya, yang penting kita hanya perlu terus berdoa agar Allah sentiasa menjaga kita dan tidak menduga kita dengan ujian yang kita tidak mampu untuk memikulnya. Kita perlu berbaik sangka dengan Allah swt. Bila teringat balik macam ni, lega sat. Lepas solat, doa panjang sikit. Then syaitan bisik lagi, mula terasa semak perut semula.

To be honest, when Epit started the joke in whatsapp, I felt a little "tersinggung". Originally I typed "terhina" but maybe that is too strong a word to use. I still feel that way, although I know that she did not mean to "hina" (I need to find another word for this, oh my bahasa!)  or anything close to that. She is just Epit, being Epit... a little girl at 45 pretending to be an adult and we will remain friends no matter what. Why do I feel that way, you may ask. Unless you are a 46 year old, single, short fat and ugly perempuan like me, you will never understand, even if you try. Seriously. Therefore when the joke continued, I just went along with it, trying not to make any comment, fearing that it might be misconstrued to mean something else. Before I proceed any further, I would like to make it clear that, I am not angry at Epit. Sikit pon dak. Her concern over her mother's anxieties is genuine, we would be the same if we were in her shoes. She has her mother's best interest in her heart. SubhanaAllah.

How could Epit ask me to consider her so called "proposal", even if was a mere joke amongst friends when all the individuals involved were not in the picture. Like Ja said, it should have been initiated by the person involved, not by nosy sisters. This is where I felt tersinggung... Picture this, nosy sister ask single, short fat and ugly.. and unemployed friend if she would consider being her sister in law... because "kesian mak aku, dia sunyi". If the friend is agreeable, "aku nak suruh mak aku tanya abang aku". Hello? What is wrong with this picture?

Just imagine, if I were so pendek akal and be so agreeable or maybe even jumped at the opportunity;  (to be - how shall I put this mildly, how did she sell her brother to me...a "datin" , nak satu row shophouses pon boleh .. etc). and the brother sikit pon tak hingin .. its quite hard to get passed the short fat and ugly part tu tau ........, where does that put me??? Malukan, macam tergedik-gedik like that kan. Epit, Epit... sedih aku tau. You make me feel so macam apalah when you started that joke. Janganlah buat macam ni lagi kat sesiapa pon, especially orang-orang yang in the same boat as me. It makes us look .. tak tau lah nak cakap macam mana. Macam tak kisahlah any tom, dick or harry (not that I am saying that your brother is just any tom dick or harry, I know he is a somebody, I am just saying), tak kisahlah kalau sekadar untuk dijadikan teman buat mak, kan as long as dapat kawin, afterall dahla tua, macam tong dram la pulak, sapa lagi yang mau kan...

Kalaulah, and I meant it as kalau saja okay, don't get any ideas pulak, your brother has already informed your mom that he wants her to look for a wife for him, tak kisahlah as long as mak dia suka... cerita kita mungkin berbeda. Pengakhirannya mungkin sama, tapi jalan ceritanya akan berlainan dan saya tidak akan rasa tersinggung.

Actually kan Epit, if your mother is really lonely, why don't you just ask us, yang duduk di sini, to once in a while drop by your house and keep your mom company, I wouldn't mind doing that at all. Memang itulah pon antara activiti bersama my mom pon, ziarah menziarahi.

Tutup cerita itu, kita move on to why Min makes me think. Marriage has been the furthest thing on my mind. I have pushed away any thought of ever getting married when I turned 35 or so. I am at peace with myself while resigning to the fact that Allah has preordained that I will lead a single life in this life. Mungkin in another life ada bidadara menanti? BUT I also know that there are three things we cannot control, Ajal, Rezeki and Jodoh. Bukan kerja kita untuk memikirkan ketiga-tiga hal ni, ini hak Allah. Therefore, marriage... not something I plan to think about.

Tak tau why, lately asyik duk bear my soul, first to Ja, then to Min. Maybe sebab youngest brother is getting married. No, I am not sad that he is getting married, I am sad because things does not go according to MY plan. How I foresee the future is that, when mak and abah are no longer with us (owh no!!!!! I typed it!!!!!)... youngest brother and family will continue to live in 410 and so will I, as this is my house. I even planned to hibah this house to youngest brother. Now, youngest brother is marrying someone from another state, far far away from here and it looks like he is interested to move to the future wife's state. I will not stop him if that is what he wants to do. Its his life. Perasaan saya sedikit dukacita tetapi ini adalah ketentuan Yang Maha Esa. Kebelakangan ni pulak, bila saya tengok Abah dan Mak, dah nampak aging sangat. Sayu hati bila tengok mak solat sunat sambil duduk. Syahdu bila tengok wajah abah, bila abah tidur. Terasa akan kehilangan mereka suatu hari nanti, dan saya berdoa agar hari-hari tersebut tiba lambat lagi. Kadang-kadang rasa ingin berdoa agar saya yang pergi dahulu kerana saya tidak sanggup untuk hidup tanpa mereka dan sebatang kara. Saya tahu tidak baik untuk berdoa sedemikian. Bukankan ajal dan maut itu ketentuan Allah swt. Satu lagi is the titi gantung I built more than 17 years ago.. I so badly want to burnt it to the ground but I can't. I still need the "alimony" to sustain my life as I do not have any other source of income. I want to be free of any entanglement with the titi gantung, selagi duk dapat monthly payment, selagi tu I am not free.. and I hate it. Semua perkara-perkara ni duk berserabut dalam kepala otak, ditambah pulak dengan surat layang, poison email, ugutan dan investigation from you know what. Lagi bertambah bingung. Maybe that was the reason why saya sensitif sangat kot dengan lawak Epit tu.

So, Min kata, maybe marriage is the answer (it maybe not)... it might rungkaikan segala kerisauan (it might also add more keresahan). So what if, tetiba ada lah pulak genuine proposal. What if??. .... Will I?.. Ya Allah, duk pikiaq buat apa tak tau... org sungai baru kata lets just cross the bridge if we get there. Ini belum jumpa mana-mana bridge, dah sebuk nak cross... ni semua, Min lah punya pasai.

Resah,

Maknjang.

p/s Min, orang sungai baru kata... ukur baju di badan sendiri, jangan duk tempah baju lagi.