This is not how I foresee it.....

In less than 2 months, I will be 46.

In less than 20 days, my youngest brother will be getting married. 

As I have been away from home for nearly a month, I can only presumed that preparation for the wedding is buzzing at home. Yes, I was away that long. I asked myself whether I actually have to be away or pretended that I have things to do here just because I wanted to be as far away as possible, as long as possible. But, I am going home today. In fact I am typing this at Skypark Terminal, Subang. I shall be fire-flying home shortly.

Home will definitely not be the same after this. 

I am supposed to be happy. I will be getting a brand new sister-in-law for crying out loud. But I am not. I am not a happy person right now. And that is why I was away. The guilty feeling I felt deep in my stomach is the only reason I forced myself to take this trip home. Kesian mak duk kelola sorang-sorang. Mak is the only reason I am going home. I can’t go on pretending that I am needed here anymore.

It is difficult to explain my unhappiness. Only a person in the same situation would understand. Haih! I dread the days ahead. I dread the years ahead. O Allah, please forgive me. O Allah, please ease my discomfort. Amiin.

Sadly,

Maknjang.