Midnight Ramblings

To be honest, I am not sure where I am heading with this post. Something is bugging me since my conversation with my uni mate the other day. Not bugging me in a bad way, it just bugs me, that's all and keeps me thinking of my present employmentless status.

E came to the kenduri Mak threw to commemorate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. She kept asking me what I want to do (for the rest of my life, workwise). When I said I don't know - true, I actually don't know what I want to do right now - she kept saying that I cannot be unemployed, I have to find a job or I will lose my identity. Although I disagreed with her, I did not say anything. She continued on and on of inferiority, waste of talent etc. At one point she even asked me whether I felt that I have wasted my time in my previous employment, i.e. working in a small company unrecognised company, you know the drift. My conclusion is that she thinks that my 15++ years was a waste of time. On a lot of counts, my opinion differed (for the record, I did not 100% diagree, okay) but I did not say anything as I do not want to discuss the topic any longer than we should.

Now, is it true that we are defined by what we do. I would hope that I am not. I would hope that I am more than that. I would hope that I am defined by the person that I have become. If I am what I do, then I would be nothing now, would I not? Would I have to feel inferior now that I am not employed. Do I have to feel ashamed?. I should hope not, for at the moment I am neither inferior nor ashamed. But it has only been 3 months, and I am still occupied with my part-time "suka-takrela-wan" assignments. Will what she said be true as time goes by?. I sure hope not. I actually love the state that I am in right now. Being my own boss, so called. (but then, if I am my own Boss, I can't afford to pay me, how?).

As for wasting my time, the thought has entered my mind, a long time ago but I have resolved that. In the last 15++ years, I have helped someone set up his business, created employments, trained staffs and trainees. I learned a lot, about work, about life. Lasting friendships were born there too. Were all that a waste of time?

I figured, while I still continue doing the part-time job (which is occupying my time, full time), I can slowly (insyaAllah, but surely) find something else to do that will generate a constant income stream. I am keeping my options wide open. I am not actively looking for a full time employment, but I will not turn away from any opportunity that might comes-a-knocking. At my age, I should not be thinking too much of the worldly things, at least not of this world. I should worry more of the other world. The years I have left in this world is lesser than the years I have lived, I think. Alhamdulillah, I have all that I need, and all I need now is to maintain what I have and put food on the table and I wish I can add to it Umrah or holiday trip once in while.

Although money is not everything, dalam dunia materi sekarang, everything needs money. I pray to Allah that I find ways to make money before I ran out of money.

I do not want to be poor kerana kemiskinan boleh membawa kepada kekufuran.
I do not want to be rich either kerana kekayaan boleh melalaikan kita dari mengingati Allah swt.
Yang saya inginkan Ya Allah, adalah kehidupan yang senang dan tenang. Yang kudambakan adalah maghfirahMu. Yang ku cari adalah redhoMu. Amiin Ya Robb.