Its been a while

since my last post, a very sad post, that was.

Its been weeks since I have this urge to write an entry here but I was simply too lazy to do anything. The last couple of weeks was spent mostly cooped up in my room either reading novels on line or playing games on yahoo or facebook. I went out of the room just for food, or when my niece, Anna came over, I would play with her outside just for a while. That's the only exercise I do these days. Seriously, I was that lazy, heck, who am I kidding, I am still very lazy. Very.

Its Hajj season and I always get a little "melancholy" this time of the year. Reading updates on facebook from people in the Holy cities or listening or watching programs on Hajj can bring tears to my eyes.

Life at home is rather dull. Missing Ismail a lot.

What was it again that I wanted to write about? Hello brain!

Aaaah, nevermind. I will write again, maybe.

Mohd Ismail Azman, Almarhum (16 October 1993 - 1 April 2011)

The last time I spoke to him was the morning the SPM result was out. He was all dressed up in school uniform at 8am and he stood outside my room. I asked him where he was going at he said in his usual loud voice "nak pi sekolah la, keputusan keluaq hari ni"... I joked that only potential scorers will be as eager as he was, it was too early to go to school, they were only going to release the result after 10am. He then asked what the date was that day and when I said 23rd March, he said "betoi la hari ni keluaq keputusan" and he left. Half and hour or so later he came back saying that they will only announced the result after 11am. As usual I said, I told you so. I offered him a ride to school but he refused, preferring to go with friends instead. I did not wait for him to return as Mak and I left for KL at 12 noon that day. That was the last time I saw Ismail alive.

When Mak returned from KL, Ismail had a fever but he was still working that day. He was delivering ice cubes for RM25 a day. Ismail was asleep when Mak saw that his leg had become inflamed. He was complaining that his leg hurts but we took no notice because he was still playing ping pong every night and working every day. He told me a few days before I left for KL that he felt like his bone is loose, his exact words were "Maknjang, Me'e rasa macam tulang Me'e dah kendoq" while pointing to his left leg. When he was in Form 2, he had a broken bone there due to an accident on the way to school, a girl riding a motorbike hit his bicycle. A couple of weeks before that day, he met with an accident at Kepala Batas, with the next door neighbour. The motorbike Ismail rode broke to pieces, the car the neighbour drow was badly dented. Ismail had minor scratches only because he fell on the car. Later he complaint of chest pain, so Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, after x-ray and all, they found nothing wrong. He never complaint about his left leg until that afternoon. It did not strike my brain to connect his complaint with the accidents he had had.

When Mak saw his leg, Mak and Azwan took him to the hospital, he was warded. He had a slight fever. His half sister was on duty at the hospital that day, Mak and Azwan left. He is a big boy and he only had a slight fever and the doctor said, they were going to open up the area and cleaned it up. Nothing to worry about. That was on Tuesday night. On Wednesday, his temperature risen, the procedure was postponed. Nobody visited Ismail because he had a handphone with him, if anything was wrong, he can always call home. Thursday morning, his temperature soared to 47 degreee and that's when everybody took notice. His mother went to visit and he complaint that he was in pain. His whole body was painful, he said. The whole family, almost everyone who always hang around our bangsal ping pong and neighbours went to visit him that day and stayed on. Later that day, when he cannot stand the heat anymore, he went to take a shower. He collapsed upon reaching his bed and was moved to another ward. His heart stopped beating at about 12 midnight. They resuscitated him and moved him to the ICU. I went home on Friday morning.

I went to the hospital after making my rounds picking Njang, Kak Ta and my nephew and nieces. I knew when I saw him lying helpless on the ICU bed that we have lost him. The fact that they allowed anyone to visit him in without limiting the number of visitors was already a sign. I was asked later to make a decision whether or not to resuscitate him again when his heart stopped. They never said IF, they straight away say WHEN and then you know for certain. After consulting my parents and my siblings, we decided DNR. It broke my heart to have to be the one telling the doctor of our decision.

The bacteria from his untreated wound had poisoned his blood causing organ failures. Despite injecting him with numerous antibiotics and what nots, the bacteria has spread beyond help. The cause of death was septicemia.

Until today we still cannot believed what had happened. Everyday we mentioned his name. Every little thing we do will have something to remind us of him. Having meals, if Ismail is around, no food will be wasted. While driving, if Ismail is in the car, I have to check the tyres.. he is very heavy, you see. When my head itched.. Ismail will always cabut my uban. Sometimes I felt like he is just sleeping in the middle room. Sometimes when I heard a motorbike approaching, I'd imagined its him, returning from work... Oh Ismail, our bangla, our al-karu.. we missed you so much. ...

A plan, a plan, we've come up with a plan!

A couple of weeks ago, the husband of a close friend, died. I have been feeling sayu ever since. He was 46. His death reminded me of my eldest brother who, 8 months ago brother passed away at 48. Both deaths were sudden. Inna lillahi wa inna ilai hi roji'un, Surely we belong to Allah and to HIM we shall return. May they rest with the solihins.

The lady of leisure R, took the jobless Maknjang to visit the recently widowed, the entrepreneurial Ij, yesterday. We visit with Ij for about 4 hours at her place in LMSP. Alhamdulillah Ij is coping well. Her 2 daughters were in school so we did not have a chance to meet them.

For the last 6 months or so, whenever the three of us met, we have been saying that we should start doing something beneficial with our time. We think that we should embark into a business together. We always joked that we want a business that requires the minimal of capital, the least of work and generates the most income. All our discussions always ended on that note. The only thing we ever resolved is that we need to do something but we never seriously discuss about how to do it. No plan.

Yesterday we recognised that Maknjang (not a discovery really, its been a fact for a while) needs to find ways to make money when her term ends this August, Ij needs to do some serious income generating project if not for the moolahs as she already has other "hobby" businesses which are giving her constant cashflow and her husband left her quite comfortable, IMHO but I think more so to fill her time. R the lady of leisure may not want to do this for the money but I think when your kids are all grown up, she too has a void that needs to be filled.

So there we were at Ij's dining table munching over popiahs, fried chicken and cut fruits talking about this and that and suddenly we reached that topic again. This time we decided that there shall be no more empty talks. Let's just put it this way. We have come up with a plan, a concept at least of what all three of us can do, Yay! We need to talk more and iron out the details. I feel good about this plan. It synergise with all my other angan-angan.

Let us dua that this will work and Allah swt will make it easy for us to achieve our target. InsyaAllah. I remember this saying I put up on the ASS's board. Never regret, if its good, its wonderful, if its bad its experience. We will never know until we try it.

I still owe A R L that cashflow that I am supposed to be checking but writing this post instead. Haih!

Gold anyone?

A couple of months back, my youngest brother asked me whether I have "gold money". He just came back from his lesson at Darus Syifa', yes he is learning Perubatan Cara Islam and hopefully, insyaAllah he will succeed in the path that he has chosen. Back to "gold money", I asked him why he asked, he said the ustaz told the class that morning that there will come a time when money - the money we now know and use, will no longer be tender-able. Which is true because our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw) has said so one thousand and four hundred years ago! Hanya Allah dan RasulNya yang lebih mengetahui.

I have been thinking about investing in gold since way back when. When I was working my first job and had the opportunity to visit Pulau Bidong in Trengganu when the island was used by the UN to place the Vietnamese refugees. When your country is at war or any crisis, money no longer has any value. The Vietnamese were using either gold or USD. Then I heard about the Hadith (although daif) about nothing will be valuable except for gold and silver and the akhir zaman, which is now.. sooner or later.

Azwan made me rethink seriously again about investing in Gold. Mind you, I do not have a lot of money especially now that I no longer have permanent employment or any permanent source of income. The only savings I have are in the provident fund and I can't touch any of it until I am 50, which is a mere 5 years away, insyaAllah if I live long enough to reach 50 and beyond.

So how do I buy gold with the little money I have? And then I met SR, the lady who made and sell easy to wear tudung. She taught me how to invest with about 30-40% payment and now I am a proud owner of a 100gm 999 gold bar. I am looking forward to another 100gm soon.

More on gold soon.

Hipocrisy vs Untrustworthiness

hy·poc·ri·sy (noun)

• a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
• a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
• an act or instance of hypocrisy.

untrustworthiness (noun)

the trait of not deserving trust or confidence [ant: trustiness] Well, hello 2011. Here's hoping that this will be a much better year than the previous ones. I just found out about certain things being said behind my back which are untrue and vicious that it has dampened my spirit. I did not hear it from a third person, I got it right from it source thus they were the solid truth of what they thought about me. Well, I am not one that is usually bothered much with other people's opinion on me as they are just that, opinions. I know who I am. Why am I bothered so this time? Whatever I did all these while FOR them were sincere, pure. I thought I was helping since no one else can do what I can, at the moment, and I do not have much to do right now. I have NO other agenda. My intentions were good and I was helping Mami coping. Why questions my motives? Were you not the one who asked for my help?. She approached me not me, her and I was not just teaching her alone. And why would I want to use her to get close to your family. Using her? Using her? Ya Allah, manusia jenis apa do you think I am who would use the Holy AlQuran as a tool to get close to your family? Apa best sangat ka family hampa tu? Owh please! Because you have money and I don't? I did not know I was so hard-up for your money? Now kan dah hilang pahala ajar mengaji???? haih! Why not just block my access, what is stopping you?. I seldom read anyway and when I do, I only look at the topics that will help me, help you do the forecast. Stop my access, I don't care, but please don't call me untrustworthy and accuse me of giving my access to other people. Best sangat ka forum hampa tu sampai ex-staff semua teringin nak baca. They were not reading the forum, I had to force them when they were in your employ, why would they want to read now as if they do not have better things to do? People have move on to bigger and better things. Leave them be. Move on. BTW you have ways to check my access, its frequency and what I read. Check before you make you speculations and accusations, boleh??!!! Now, who is the insincere one? You keep on telling me, if I do work and when I travel, I can claim. And all my claims and my allowances were approved by you. Why not just say that you disagreed or disapproved them in front of me? Why questions them now behind my back? My conscience is clear. Why is yours not? Your holier than thou, I am better than you attitude are just that, an attitude, is it not?. A Hypocrite? When 2010 were ending and 2011 were looming, I said to myself, no resolution is necessary, just try to be a better person. Now 18 days into the new decade, I promised myself that I will not just try to be a better person. I MUST be a better person, a better hamba Allah, a better daughter, a better sister, a better maknjang, a better friend and be A LOT better person than those lot. I will not try to prove anything to anybody, I will just be me. I will not be bothered by them anymore. I know what they think of me. I know what I know, I know my intentions, Allah swt knows and lets leave it at that. And in the end Truth will prevail. Happy New Year everybody.